Yesterday I was given a platform through a podcast with redbackpack.net to talk about my book, “Deciding To Dance” and my opinions on hurt and healing. The link is over in the sidebar for you to download for free. While you are there, check out the other podcasts as well. Lots of great interviews for you! (Especially the one done by Jason Elkins where he talks about being transparent and Jesus fish tattoos)
In my podcast you will hear about:
- How our hurt doesn’t define us, but rather our healing defines us.
- Stop asking “Why” bad things happen and start asking “What now?”
- Why we need to stop giving humans the burden of a God-like strength amidst a tragedy.
- Why I loathe play-dough.
One of the other things I talked about, I wanted to expand on a little here. It was remarked by the host, Bill Todd, that in my book I don’t really spend much time on talking about the “why” behind Dan’s suicide. He was curious as to if that was an editorial choice or just the way the book unfolded during writing.
I explained that it was an editorial choice, because I simply can never know “Why.” Sure, it would be nice if Dan was sitting on a cloud one day and decided to slip a letter down to let me know, but that is never going to happen. Usually when I am having a hard day, I long for a letter, because to have an answer would stop the disease of guilt.
There are other times a letter from Dan would be nice. It’s completely irrational to want a zombie husband to come and let you know that you have done good, but I’ve been known to be irrational at times. I watch these girls who were created because of him and sometimes I just need to know that he would have been proud of how I am raising them. Of course this is also assuming he took a “Parenting and Affirmation” class after his “Using Your Angel Wings” class, because here on Earth parenting and affirmation wasn’t exactly his cup of tea. He also needs to come pat Brian on the back for the awesome job of stepping up to the table that he walked away from. It hasn’t been easy, but I am sure there would be classes in Heaven for that too.
Of course there are many times that I screw it up and I am grateful I don’t receive a letter. I don’t think a “I saw what you did,” would be especially comforting.
These letters? It’s all due to my feelings of abandonment and insecurity. When a spouse is left behind to carry on and raise children, especially in suicide, we need to know that we’ve turned something beautiful from something brutal. We are so blinded from our hurt and pain, we believe that an affirmation from the grave is the only one that will count.
Guess what?!? We already have an affirmation from the grave.
What a glorious day when Jesus rose from the grave affirming that his love for us was more than the pain of our sins. In those moments of grief and anguish, there came grace beyond our comprehension. An unconditional mercy that begs you to let go of the burdens of your past and walk away a new creation.
Zombie letters of affirmation are totally irrational, but know that if this is something you are struggling with, you are not alone in your need. This letter is never going to come, but you are doing good by living and by allowing the grace of healing to affirm you. There will be peace. This guilt disease is something that His love for you says it’s time to let go of.