It’s been a little while since I wrote last, but don’t think its because of a lack of things to talk about. I went through one of those “grief stages” that translated into “you don’t deserve my time and don’t deserve to know what has been going on.” Lots of changes though. Changes for the good. There was however one thing I was struggling with.
Before you died, you had promised the girls their very own “Lassie.” You knew how much they loved watching the old Lassie movies and told them that you would buy them their very own as soon as you had a yard. Ever since you died, we have all been grieving the breaking of every promise. The girls have mourned the fact that you broke your promises, especially the “Lassie” promise. It has broken my heart that you did this to them. As the surviving parent, I have received the brunt of their disappointment and anger. I also have the unique opportunity that you don’t. I get to wipe away little tears, hold little shoulders as they cry into my chest and I get the privilege of making their dreams come true.
I will never be able to step in on every promise you had made them. I can’t be the father at the “Father/Daughter dances.” I can’t be the man that applauded from the audience at recitals. I can’t be the dad that carries them on my shoulders through the park. I can’t be the man that gives them away to another on their wedding day and dances that final dance with them.
I can however do everything in my power to ease the sting.
Here is your promise fulfilled. This is “Laddie.” The physical proof that although you selfishly stole yourself from their life; I can make things happen. I will never be “enough” for them, but I can do everything in my power to not fail them simply by making the choice to live for them.
So in addition to wiping those tears, I also have the unique opportunity that you no longer cared to be a part of. I get to watch them cradle this fur ball. I get to watch them laugh in wild abandon at his antics. I get little arms around my neck hugging me tight. I get little kisses on my cheek. I get to embrace and soak in their happiness.
I will spend the rest of my life stepping in your place and I do it with humbleness and honor. I’m going to be the one applauding from the audience with a pride big enough for two. I will be the one giving them away at their weddings with a love big enough for two. I will be the one holding their first born in awe of how life keeps going and getting better. I will be the one strong enough that they relinquish their pain that you caused. I will be the one dependable enough that they know promises will be kept, dreams are within reach and the love of only their mother is enough.