Best Of Twitter

I am really loving the list posts from the 31dbbb challenge. They are fun, easy and organized. So I thought I would bring you a “Best Of” list from my updates on Twitter in case you missed them.

  • I have just been told that “No. Mermaids cant get out of the bath because they have no feet.” Guess my kids have never seen a harpoon…

  • If I had dreamed of being a short order cook when I grew up; I would be living a dream right now.

  • Why wait for Calgon to take me away, when Southwest Airlines could do a much better job…

  • Dear God, If I have been plucking the same eyebrow hairs for the past 15 years, can’t you just “poof” them from existence? Much obliged.

  • I am officially the High Priestess of Botanical. I have sacrificed many houseplants.

  • Don’t buy the fresh squash in my local grocery store…the 2 yo was licking them. #fail#parenting

  • Just changed all the presets in my husband’s truck #evilwifelaugh

  • How did they know I was hiding in the closet eating a brownie? HOW?!?

  • Just cleaned out the freezer and organized. Give that girl a Klondike bar…never mind, found one.

  • My 2 yo is showing amazing creativity skills…I would have never thought to use peanut butter for body paint and the floor for a canvas.

  • Domestic Bliss…About as easy to find as a leprechaun or unicorn.

  • Thank you for pointing out my infant screaming…I really couldnt hear her with the bleeding eardrums and all.

  • Dear Self, telling the two year old that her fish fillet is Nemo…not smart, not smart at all…

  • Having to be out in this cold is violating my basic human right of “pursuit of happiness” Going to sue global warming…

  • Just gave both girls a horsie-back ride at the same time. Horses are under-appreciated.

  • Today is brought to you by the letter “C” and the number 12. Crazy starts with “C” and I will be there in 12 seconds…

  • Dear Child, Do not eat bars of soap or crayons. They have no nutritional value and other kids are going to point and laugh at you. Love, Mom

  • I dont know who she is, but if that “Mom” woman that the kids keep screaming for doesnt show up and cook dinner…we are all up a creek.

  • Dont you hate when you put something down and cant remember where it is….until it cries?

  • Garbage bag contents…meet floor. Floor…meet mop. Wet floor…meet dog feet. Dog…meet mad woman.

  • Dear Dog, Those who dont wear pants and dont wipe are not welcome on my couch or bed. Bad boy…bad boy.

  • Dear Self…undereye dark circle concealer. Use it…liberally. Tomorrow we need to talk about those laugh lines.

  • Dear makers of Tylenol, Toddler dart gun dosing applicator…just saying…

  • Dear XM radio, your kids station is awesome, but one more 80s pop song sung by helium huffing chipmunks and I will get my rifle.

  • Dear 2 yr old, Screaming and throwing your toys at me…not wise, baby girl. Can you spell “disinherited” Love, Mom

  • just got done clearing the kids leftover pancakes from breakfast…with my fork.

  • Aint it cool how a 4 yo knnecap fits perfectly into your eye socket? Thanks for the black eye baby girl…this is going on your record.

  • The oldest just helped herself to grahmn crackers and fudge icing while I was busy with Bitsy. I sent her back to get me some.

  • I dont know why I dreaded taking all 3 to the doctor. Once the kicking, screaming and biting stopped; it was just fine.

  • dear husband: please do not leave my van on empty or I shall leave your stomach the same way. Thanks, Your loving wife.

  • Dear Unborn Child: Your living quarter rights are hereby revoked. Please use the nearest exit and evacuate in a timely manner.

  • Nothing says good morning like busting a bag of trash on the carpet. Force Flex, you have failed me. Resolve Foam, we are still good!

Categories: Best of Twitter

5 replies

  1. You have come oh so close to making me want to actually use the Twitter account that I set up months ago.

  2. HILARIOUS!! I especially love the Nemo one because I could totally see how that would go SO wrong in my house too.

  3. But but… some of my favourites are not here!! What about the mindmap one? Or the “I haz @Mofthesea”?I tried to find the tweet that got me hooked, but tweetdeck is beeing a tweetd*ck. At any rate, you are the undisputed Queen, Empress and Supreme Ruler of All ThingsTweet and I bow to you!

  4. I walked past the fish counter one day with Jahnna. She was around 19 months. She yelled out “Hi Nemo!” and was waving like crazy to the sad little salmon on ice. Crazy child. At 7 she could out eat most people on sushi any day of the week. Is this a real hashtag #mychildrenareabnormal

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