Not long ago, I was struggling through a purpose crisis. Who am I kidding…I still struggle a little. Don’t we all when it comes to knowing our purpose? We all want to be remembered, to matter and to do something big.
I had planned to have several fiction books out by now. I had planned to have emails for book deals, signing and people just dying for a signed autographs. I planned to do something big. For me.
Somewhere in the middle of folding laundry and mentally preparing the night’s meal, it began to needle in my heart.
“This isn’t something big. In fact, according to my dreams, this is crap.”
I was left with disappointment and a very small feeling. Have you been there?
After the laundry was put away, children fed, kitchen semi-cleaned (because I simply lacked the energy for me and was drowning in feeling small) and I grabbed some precious alone, quiet time; I once again stepped into the company of the One who created me with purpose and complained.
“...but I wanted to do something BIG!”
The answer back was a quiet whisper, “for who?”
“For You, of course,” and then like a kid caught with their hand in the cookie jar, I had to be honest.
My husband came in the room and flipped on the TV. Grateful for the distraction, I propped myself up to be entertained. Scrolling through show after show, he stopped on The Passion Of The Christ. The movie I have only seen once because it made me so uncomfortable. The scene was the moments Jesus died.
As I watched the depiction of the suffering, my heart heard a question. “Was this all for me alone or was this for you?”
Talk about doing something BIG. In that moment, something changed. All my discord of being small began to disappear as I “got it.”
Ignored, belittled and suffering He did something big for me. The glory of it is seen through a redeemed little me and little you. He did it because He believed in the bigness of who I will be. He bore it because He believed in my purpose.
For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do (Ephesians 2:1).
That verse tells me two things when I wonder about doing something big.
- I was created and whatever I am doing now is not a mistake in His plan.
- He put all the stuff in me already to be something big in His purpose for me.
This purpose that He has for me is Big because it is for Him and not for me. If all I am ever doing is folding laundry, I am serving my family and if my attitude reflects His love, then that’s BIG. If all I am doing is writing on this blog, but I am bringing glory to Him and not me, then that’s BIG.
We were all created to do something BIG. What are you doing and who are you doing it for?
Struggling with this (again … still) myself. I NEED to make some money from my writing or I need to find a job. So every unwritten comment, every lost follower, every ignored post or tweet, feels like a nail in the coffin of my dreams. And God keeps asking … are you going to trust me in this or not? I have struggled with trust my whole life. He has allowed me to be broken and betrayed and shattered beyond what I thought I could survive because I continued to resist trust. It’s just not natural for me. But I don’t want any more lessons on the subject. And so I will CHOOSE to trust Him even when I don’t see the miracle! Because the alternative is unbearable. And this seems like a really gloomy comment (as tears run down my face) but I won’t unmake it! I love you, Alycia! I really do!
I am also right there and sometimes I wonder why this is such as struggle. I agree though, I choose to trust even when I don’t see a miracle. We are in this together, friend.
Love to you.