Self analysis is complete. I guess I was going through one of those “artist” stages for the past several weeks. I shall call it the bluish-green period. Something similar to what artists go through in their painting, everything takes a certain tone or lighting whether you are painting a landscape of a bowl of fruit. Thankfully, I didn’t cut off my ear or something serious. Between the hormone dumps (the blue part) and not feeling well (the green part) I just really haven’t been myself at all. I tried to laugh and smile, it just wasn’t working. So after days of fighting with myself, I am determined to pull out of this. When my personality was forming many eons ago, God got generous with Good Humor shaker. It had pulled me out of many bad situations. But somehow in a time I needed it the most, I was convinced I had flushed it in one of my many morning sickness episodes. I have missed me, welcome back Self.

This pregnancy really isn’t all that bad, although for a while I was sure it was a terminal illness. It has really had its good points. I went shopping last night at a department store that was having a huge sale on maternity clothes. I believe this is one of the first times I have tried clothes on in the dressing room and actually smiled at the fact that “this outfit makes me look fat” As I examined my body in the “fat mirror” I was actually looking at the shirts thinking, “You know, this small tent actually accentuates my belly” Another positive point is the grocery shopping. I went to the deli to have some meat sliced for sandwhiches and the deli man, who noticed my expanding waistline did not suggest a lighter, less fattening meat. Instead, he stood there offering me samples of all the different meats they had. He looked thrilled at the way I was stuffing the slices of heaven in my mouth and never once asked me if I was full. I left the deli and bakery an hour later, my cart filled with all sorts of goodies I would have never bought before, being so concerned with how many calories were gathered in my basket at one time. I think I was convinced that right beside the door that you exit there is an alarm system that would announce “This cart contains items no less than 5,000 calories a piece” I now know that is not true, there is no alarm for excessive cheesecake and creampuff purchases.

The first trimester is now rounding the final curve, and I have survived. More importantly my husband and toddler have survived. They have endured my moodiness, the frequent nap miles and my inability to be the wife and mother they deserve. As I wandered the department store last night and went through the child’s section to buy my daughter some new dresses, I passed the newborn clothes. I stood there for a minute, looking at the tiny outfits and realized something very important has been missing. Gratitude and longing. Very soon, I will be blessed with a bundle that will fit in those clothes. I have been so focused on the uncomfortableness of “Now” that I could not long for the end result. How many times have we been so caught up in that cycle that we could not see the beauty and blessings that lay beyond? Not just in a pregnancy, but in our lives? We trudge through the loads of laundry, the burnt dinners and the less than perfect spouses and children, not seeing that end result of blessings. We miss the sleepy smile that signifies knowing he/she is loved and safe, from the child who has methodically destroyed the house and our nerves at the end of the day. The quick peck on the cheek from the spouse that says, dinner wasn’t all that great, the house isn’t spotless and my shirts aren’t ironed, but you are still my love and perfect to me. The alarm clock that startles you out of a peaceful sleep to face another day and you don’t realize the blessing that you received from God saying “Yeah, yesterday you really dropped the ball and didn’t praise me, but here is another day to enjoy, grow and learn” It is time to be grateful for the “Now times” and not so focused on the big finish.

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