*Hangs head in shame, blushing begins and begins typing*

OK I did it. I put the child on a leash. I was so tired of trying to keep up with her out of the house and the bells on the shoes were not working. She has learned to keep perfectly still so no jingle when I call her name. Sure, I could hold her hand like some parents. But the height difference has posed a problem more than once. She will grasp my hand and try to run on tiptoes, the whole time little fingernails are grating my palms. Oh, what’s the phrase…seemed like a good idea at the time? Yup, that’s the one. I tried to keep from getting too many judgemental looks by buying the one with the cute stuffed animal on the front and the nifty little back pack for storing the cattle prod I assume other people think I must use. It even says to put on the harness and attach it to the shopping cart for extra peace of mind while in the store. I am thinking bungee jumping and law suit.

This has got to be one of the worst products yet. I now know how it would have felt if I had told the doctor to not severe the umbilical cord. There is a good reason, besides obvious medical ones, that they seperate mother and child. There is nothing like trying to walk with a 25lb weaving, kicking bundle of fury. I try to engage her with the little stuffed dalmation friend “that will be just like a watch dog.” She tried beating its head, poking its eyes out and finally laid down convinced if she played dead this beast would leave her alone. I gently tug on the leash telling her to come on, I offer Goldfish snacks, nothing is going to make her budge. Then it occurs to me…I am treating my child like the dog. Only the dog has been properly leash trained. What is next, paper or crate training her? I think I have bordered on both as her diapers are similar to paper training (only go on the plastic) and the crib is much like that crate. I am wondering if I should send her birth certificate to the AKC. I evaluate my discipline with both child and dog. Tell dog to sit, tell child to sit. Tell dog to lay down, tell child night-night. Tell dog to shake paws, tell child to wave bye-bye. Forget Dr. Spock. I am going to get a dog handling manual. Everything the parenting books have told me at this point has not worked. The crying it out method only worked on getting me to sit down and cry with her. The attachment method only caused me to walk and stand with one hip permanently thrust to the side coupled with a slight swaying motion. That almost got me a Intoxicated in Public charge. Weaning her from the bottle, only made me want to turn to a bottle. Nope, parenting articles are just not working for us. Parenting products, example: the leash, are the cause of some cases of insanity. The baby gate I can’t get open so I hopped and twisted my ankle. The dishwasher nipple keeper that got stuck closed at 3am with a screaming, non-understanding baby ( a ziplock baggie placed over the bottle with a small hole will work in a pinch ) The baby monitor that allowed my neighbors to hear my gynecological exam test results. I don’t think we will be buying anymore products to help with parenting. I am officially not taking anymore advice unless you have 8 kids who have never broken a bone, ran in front of a car, experimented with electricity, eaten a spider, told you “No” or threw your winning lottery ticket in the toilet. I could keep going but I have to go rub the child’s nose in something.

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