This is me saying “no more” to the Verbal Abuse that I have allowed to keep living with me for almost 3 years. It’s affected me, Brian and our children.
I made a choice to not let it go.
He was dead and in the ground and I felt his whisper in my ear say “you never loved me or you are just stupid. Look at this service.”
I kept going because I thought I could out run it, but I was just allowing Him to continue to be a daily part of my life.
I heard him all the time:
The house isn’t clean enough
The meal was terrible and tardy
You are fat
You are unwanted
You are stupid
Nobody wants to listen to you
Nobody else would want you
I could go on and on, but here I am now with a man who would never say such things. His only goal is to build me up. Yet, I refuse to allow him because I am all the things above…I just know it or I wouldn’t have heard it for over a decade.
But no more.
Many of you have heard the story of the watch. The one they gave me in the ER when he died. The one I had to replace the batteries every couple of months, but I did it because it was his favorite.
I kept it on my dresser and it has accurately,without fail, kept every minute that he missed. I’ve never changed the batteries once. (It’s kinda creepy if I believed in that kind of thing)
Today in this town he was buried, I give it back. It wasn’t ever about the minutes he was missing. It was about me continuing to hold on to him in minutes together. I kept his verbal abuse alive and he never lost a minute of it.
I don’t need to be desperate for y’all to build me up. God already has.
I don’t need to fear being a failure. God has a purpose for me.
I don’t have to worry about being stupid. God wouldn’t give a plan to an idiot.
I don’t need to be scared or worried. God is already handling it.
I don’t have to fret about my weight. God loves me this I know.
I don’t have to be nervous about being enough. Christ died because I was.
So today I will stand by his marker and fill my ears with songs that uplift me and tell me who I am in God’s eyes. I will throw the ball for Walter who accompanied me and then I will fill the journal I started of all that marriage cost me.
Finally I will give him his minutes back. He chose to end them. I chose to keep them. It’s time every second was returned to its rightful owner.
Then I will scour this town for a place that does pedicures and come back to my hotel and rest.
Tomorrow I will return to my chaotic home, 6 billion children and the one man whose words matter only. I will travel home alone. Leaving the past behind me.
If you are one of thousands that hear this voice in your head rather than the ones that are actually around you or the One who lives in your heart. I invite you to be with me in Spirit and let go. Know you are enough. Let’s be bold and fierce enough to drown it out with what we KNOW we are. Good enough that our Christ died just for us.