Believe It Or Not – Bizarre Bible Stories

There are plenty of well known stories in the bible that I have written about lately. David and Goliath, Samson, Birth of Jesus, but there are some lesser known stories that beg us to question what was the significance of putting that in the Bible…

I’ve made a little list of some of the ones I find most bizarre…

“The Floating Axe Head” 2 Kings 6

We find that Elisha (a man of God) has a small mutiny on his hands from the disciples he has complaining that the lodging was too small. So they come to him and ask if they can go cut down some logs to correct this problem. He agrees that it can be done and concedes to go with them. Next to the Jordan River, they begin cutting down trees and one of the workers’ axe head flies off and goes into the river. He cries out “Oh no, Master. It was borrowed” (We all know about how men feel about returning borrowed tools) So Elisha asks “where did it fall?” and once the spot is pointed out, he cuts a piece of wood and throws in the the place where the axe head sunk. Suddenly the axe head pops to the surface and the disciple is told to pick it up.

“Bear-ly ticked” 4 Kings 2:23-34

Elijah, although very wise and godly, had male pattern baldness. One day he was walking a long way to Bethel and a bunch of kids started making fun of his bald head and taunting him. Elijah did not find this cute or forgivable, so he curses them in the name of the Lord. Two female bears immediately barge from the woods and maul all 42 children to death. 42…kids…over a hairstyle….hmmmm

Mooned by God himself – Exodus 33:23

Moses finally made it to the day where he was going to get to meet God face to face. Big day indeed with an appointment with The Big Guy. Moses positions himself in anticipation and God at the last minute changes His mind (He’s the Great and Powerful. He can do that) claiming that no man would see His face and live. So, God says “I will take away my hand, and thou shalt see my back parts; but my face will not be seen. Moses must have been quite disappointed to go back to his people and tell them that his meeting with God was nothing but a nice moon of Divine backside.

The Day Your Ass Talks Back – Numbers 22:28-30

A man named Balaam was having a tough time with his donkey. So bad, he was giving the donkey a spanking of all spankings. The donkey suddenly turns to Balaam and speaks wanting to know why he is being beaten. Balaam doesn’t seem the least bit suprised that this donkey is speaking his language (cause I would have freaked) and tells the donkey “Because thou hast mocked me.” Then the donkey turns into a philosopher and explains how the relationship can be mended and that his feelings have been hurt. Balaam makes peace with his donkey and I assumes they continue their business. Um…hello….talking donkey?

Fate Of Figs – Matthew 21:19; Mark 11:13-14

Jesus is walking from Bethany and feeling a little bit of a tummy growl. He comes across a fig tree and it’s not the season of bearing fruit for this tree. He asks the tree for fruit anyways (because He is Jesus) and the tree does nothing (because it is a tree) Jesus isn’t one to get ticked, but this gets under his skin for some reason and he curses the tree to die. Yeah, that seems fair enough.

That Time Your Wife Goes A Little Psycho – Exodus 4:24-26

God is threatening to obliterate Moses for not following the rule of circumcising his boy. Zipporah, his wife, has had enough of this power play and picks up a piece of flint and quickly circumcises the boy. She throws the foreskin (eww) at Moses’ feet and says “You are a bloody husband to me.” God backs off and hopefully Moses had enough sense to continue to say he loved her until she put down the flint.

The Most Unusual Dowry Ever – 1 Kings 18:25-27

David wants to marry Saul’s daughter Michal. In those days, you offered a dowry for your bride. Money, animals, jewels, etc. But Saul demands 100 foreskins (Yes, you read that right) David is a little uneasy, but hey this is true love; the kind you’ll do anything for. So he goes out and slays 200 men and collects their foreskins. At the last minute he remembered he only needed 100. Oops. Call it the heat of the moment. He goes ahead and give Saul the 200 foreskins and doubly impressed, he gives his daughter to David as promised.

The Scoop on Poop – Judges 3:21-25

Ehud, a great assassin, is on a mission to deliver a “message from God” to the miserable King Eglon. Ehud gets close enough and realizes that King Eglon is morbidly obese. He pushes his dagger into his stomach, but at first it won’t go in. Persistence has him pushing harder and it eventually reaches King Eglon’s intestines. The king was so obese that this stomach completely covered the hilt of the sword, making it invisible. Around this time the King begins to lose control of his bowels and defecates all over his chambers. The king’s attendants come, but will not enter the chamber because they figure he is just spending some time on the porcelain throne and don’t wish to disturb the moment. Once it becomes apparent that something is wrong, the attendants rush in to find their great king dead covered in his own filth.

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Around this time, I try to tie in a life lesson that applies to us today to show that the stories from the bible are still relevant and can be related to. All I can come up with is God works in mysterious ways and sometimes it is not for us to understand it all. It’s not our job to be omnipotent, it is His. I do know that I will never make fun of bald men, will make sure my kids are circumcised, probably Instagram God mooning me and will YouTube any talking animals.

 

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