My therapist is intense and she breaks me down to the point I’m required to take an hour nap before she will release me from her office.
Some of you are shrugging “no biggie,” but those who really know me,; know it must be very hard on me.
I wanted to share a small piece of what we talked about.
I have a horse that weighs about 1000 lbs. when he gets too frisky or frightens me, I hold up my hand and say “Stop!” And he does. Then he gets his nose rubbed or that part on his chest his anatomy won’t let him reach. But he hears me and stops.
I was married to Dan and when I saw his fist coming or maybe an object about to be thrown or a gun pointed, I would hold up my hand and say “Stop!” It never worked. No matter how many times I cried it or huddled down to be a smaller target. The word never worked.
Then my therapist asked me what word would I say when he put the gun in his mouth.
The first word that should have come out of my mouth was “Stop”
But to me “Stop” never worked and I got hurt for pleading weakness.
It broke my heart to say that I would have not said “Stop.” It’s a life and lives can be changed, but for 12 years “Stop” didn’t matter. At that moment it wouldn’t have mattered.
And my life changed as his ended and I feel guilty.
I couldn’t stop a brutal man, but my hands stop a thousand pound horse.
The difference is love. My horse wants to accept my love and be rewarded. Dan wanted to see me beaten, bloody, bruised and still crying “Stop” and that was his reward.
But when he was gone, I looked at my hands and decided they would never be used to guard me. I was going to use these hands to praise through the rage, calm other’s storms, give to those in pain, I would give up all of me while I waited for strength and peace.
But I am weary of waiting. My soul hurts because I’ve begged for him to take away this ache in my heart. The part that should have said “stop”
I’ll keep waiting because it’s all I have left. It’s been promised to me through His love past my pain, mistakes and regrets. I’ve laid down my life. Arms stretched out and palms open to receive my rest.