Let’s Talk About Breakdowns

I’m sitting here in an empty house. Just the dogs and I, and I thought this was a good time for us to talk.

There has been a shift. I know it and you know it, so let’s talk about this.

I’m going to say an uncomfortable word; brace yourself.

Breakdown

Yeah, that sucked to say, but it’s real and no matter how I tried to prevent it; Boom.

I’ve been doing a process called EMDR therapy and it is killing me. It takes me to all the places that I put big strong walls around and forces me to take them down and talk about them.

It was created for Post Traumatic Syndrome Disorder for soldiers. But let me be the first to tell you, you are not immune. You can have PTSD for being on any battlefield. Divorce, loss of someone you love, car accidents, abuse….the list keeps going.

I’ve done counseling before, but I quit. I quit because I’m a Christian and God is bigger and can fix everything. Maybe if I prayed harder, maybe I’d read better books or maybe if my faith was stronger.

Yes, God can work miracles, but sometimes the miracle is you being brave and strong enough to do the work yourself.

But I saw myself failing my family. Not being able to handle the simplest tasks around the house. Lights were too bright, noises too loud and going out in public gave me mild panic attacks.

I’ve seen what not getting help can do. It can cause a husband, father, son and brother to blow his brains out and I had to bury him.

So shaking, weeping and pleading I got a new doctor and therapist. It might be ok to fail at cooking dinner, but I will NOT fail at life. I will not be a coward about this I am going to be brave, because I’m a freaking warrior.

I took my husband with me because I knew I needed an advocate to make sure I got the care that I needed. I know he could see things about me that maybe I didn’t see so that the doctors and therapists could get a clear picture of what was going on.

So I’m taking the meds, I’m doing the work, I will not be a statistic and I’m showing you my brave as I become a miracle in progress.

On top of all of this, God is shouting in my ear to be more of a testimony. To share more of his work. To rewrite His stories in a way only i can so that you will know and apply it. I giggled and said “but I am broken and I am weak”
And He whispered back, “That’s the best person to tell about hope, healing and being made new. You are a miracle. You survived.”

So here I am with you. A reluctant warrior.

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Categories: Adversity

Tags: , ,

13 replies

  1. I am walking right beside you. I have PTSD and I know where you are coming from. “I’m showing you my brave as I become a miracle in progress.” Yes, yes yes!!!!!

  2. ” I quit because I’m a Christian and God is bigger and can fix everything. Maybe if I prayed harder, maybe I’d read better books or maybe if my faith was stronger.”

    I just did a Mentor Moment with our MOPS group about this very thing. We as Christians wouldn’t advise the diabetic to “pray more” instead of taking insulin as needed. Likewise, depression is heightened by chemical imbalances in our brains. The meds help restore that balance.

    I’m so glad that you are going on the meds and doing the work. Although my circumstances were different, they took me under to a really dark place. Five years later, I am still in counseling and taking the medicines I need. God is working thru these people to help me find my way again.

    Still praying for you, as always! Much love to you!

  3. He does His best work with weak and broken people! “… I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:7b-10

    You, my dear friend, are one of the strongest weak people I know and I LOVE you!

  4. You are loved. Many prayers going up for you.
    Peace.

  5. I’m sorry, I’m new here, so I don’t know much about your story yet. All I can say for now is that I will keep you in my prayers. And I agree most definitely with Beth : God does use broken people!
    I know what it’s like to feel like some scars run too deep – and that you’ll never be whole again. But I know, when in that deep dark place where it feels the abyss stares back at you (you know, right?) — He was the one light, that never went out. And I didn’t stay in the dark because I couldn’t see the light. I stayed in the dark, because for a time; I didn’t know the difference.
    I have no idea if that makes sense —- it’s just how I felt once upon a time.

  6. Wow!!!! You are not alone. I feel like I have lost everything in the past year. My kids my house just everything!!!! I pray sometimes for him to just take me because I can’t handle it anymore. Like you I’m in a very dark place also, but after reading this I have hope that one day I can see some light. You helped me to see some light!!!! I pray for you!!!

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