I’m sitting here in an empty house. Just the dogs and I, and I thought this was a good time for us to talk.
There has been a shift. I know it and you know it, so let’s talk about this.
I’m going to say an uncomfortable word; brace yourself.
Yeah, that sucked to say, but it’s real and no matter how I tried to prevent it; Boom.
I’ve been doing a process called EMDR therapy and it is killing me. It takes me to all the places that I put big strong walls around and forces me to take them down and talk about them.
It was created for Post Traumatic Syndrome Disorder for soldiers. But let me be the first to tell you, you are not immune. You can have PTSD for being on any battlefield. Divorce, loss of someone you love, car accidents, abuse….the list keeps going.
I’ve done counseling before, but I quit. I quit because I’m a Christian and God is bigger and can fix everything. Maybe if I prayed harder, maybe I’d read better books or maybe if my faith was stronger.
Yes, God can work miracles, but sometimes the miracle is you being brave and strong enough to do the work yourself.
But I saw myself failing my family. Not being able to handle the simplest tasks around the house. Lights were too bright, noises too loud and going out in public gave me mild panic attacks.
I’ve seen what not getting help can do. It can cause a husband, father, son and brother to blow his brains out and I had to bury him.
So shaking, weeping and pleading I got a new doctor and therapist. It might be ok to fail at cooking dinner, but I will NOT fail at life. I will not be a coward about this I am going to be brave, because I’m a freaking warrior.
I took my husband with me because I knew I needed an advocate to make sure I got the care that I needed. I know he could see things about me that maybe I didn’t see so that the doctors and therapists could get a clear picture of what was going on.
So I’m taking the meds, I’m doing the work, I will not be a statistic and I’m showing you my brave as I become a miracle in progress.
On top of all of this, God is shouting in my ear to be more of a testimony. To share more of his work. To rewrite His stories in a way only i can so that you will know and apply it. I giggled and said “but I am broken and I am weak”
And He whispered back, “That’s the best person to tell about hope, healing and being made new. You are a miracle. You survived.”
So here I am with you. A reluctant warrior.