For 15 years, 2 months and 4 days I’ve known it would be time. I have dreaded, agonized, feared and been hopeful. I’ve groaned, prayed and cried more over this than any other thing in my life, but it’s time and I can’t miss it for the world. There is a bigger chance of it going horribly wrong, than horribly right. It’s a chance I am going to take, because I’ve already lost it all.
15 years, 2 months and 3 days ago I made a choice. Selfish, noble, crazy…yes, all of those, but I did it. I knew my new marriage was abusive and I couldn’t leave it…well, I could have, but back then…it was bigger than I could handle. I had a beautiful brown eyed two year old son. I couldn’t protect myself or stand up for my own life, but him….I knew of only one way to protect him from my choices and the pain that was going to come.
I had said my goodbyes, made my promises and begged him to one day forgive me. He had no clue and I closed my door as I disappeared from his life.
8 years I stayed invisible from everyone. I could’ve been dead for all anyone knew and that’s more the truth than anyone will ever understand. When I came back, I still was inaccessible, but for his sake. I knew he had a good life and a wonderful mother. Who was I to interfere? No more pain to inflict.
Yesterday though, it was time.
It wasn’t the way I planned it. It sure wasn’t the way he planned it.
The last time I saw him I carried him. He was barely taller than my knee and I carried him most everywhere.
This time he was taller than me and it was God who was going to have to carry me. I saw those beautiful eyes filled with just so much agony and I chased everyone away. It was time. He collapsed in a chair and against my own comfort and past the protective walls I have built, I knelt at his feet.
I will not share everything that we said, because that’s between our hearts. I will tell you that the scripts I have created for the last 15 years were not said. I forgot them as I sat at his feet.
Then I hugged him and he hugged me back. All the things I have missed and all the pain I have caused are not washed away, but as I held this young man in the way I held the child, it assured me that nothing loved is lost forever.
This is what I want you to take from the sharing of my secretive past and pain….nothing loved is lost forever.
I imagine in our lives of screw ups, regrets and pain we are just called to sit at our Father’s feet. No scripts, just open hearts and be restored in the fact that nothing loved (which is you) is lost (to Him) forever. When we finally feel the call saying “it’s time,” may we be bold and daring enough to move beyond our comfort level. May we reach past our heart that is going to explode, our soul that is shaking in fear and everything we think we know to sit at His feet.
15 years, 2 months and 4 days of heavy blinding pain that I caused. I am forgiven. I am restored. I am healing. Where we go from here is uncertain, but I know without a doubt that no matter how long I have to wait, God is faithful and nothing loved is lost forever.