I saw a video going around the other day about what is the last thing you would say if you had no voice or something like that. Confession: I didn’t watch it because I lacked the attention span needed. Unless it has a compilation of cats being clumsy, an elephant baby being rescued by its herd or a music video with lyrics included, I don’t usually watch much.
It made me think though…if this was my last post ever, what would I write about?
Since I started writing with an online audience there has been big shifts. 8 years have brought a lot of change in my life. Most things I wouldn’t change for the world, some things it has taken me quite a while to see the purpose behind it and a couple of things I’ve finally realized I will never understand.
So if this is my last post, here is what I want you to know…
This life you have seen me live has been nothing like I expected and is turning out to be far more blessed than I thought I deserved. Today as I stand here a little under a month shy of another birthday propelling me closer to 40, I have realized I am never defined as the person I was, I am defined as the person in the here and now. My past, while it may affect me, doesn’t define me as long as I made a choice to leave it in the path of forgiveness and grace.
There are probably people in your life that are just more comfortable by categorizing you by your past choices or mistakes, but the person judging you the most is “YOU.” Oh and those people who want to keep you in your past, it doesn’t matter who they are, you will find that you really don’t need them.
So you sitting there reading this now, you’ve made mistakes, you have scraped the bottom of the barrel of bad choices, you have a constant hurt and the definition of who you think you are depresses you because you just can’t find much good in there.
Since this is my last post and all, I want you to know above anything else you might read here, that you are never who you were and you can only truly be defined as who you are. You are not your hurt, your fear or your imperfections. Leave it all behind you on this road of life or you will never move forward.
There are these awesome intersections you will come to as you journey. Many times you will find yourself at the intersection of “Life” and “Grace.” This is your baggage drop off area and the chance to lighten your load of all the bad stuff to free yourself for the good stuff.
Your road will likely never make sense until you reach your final destination and you know what, that’s pretty cool. It’s an awesome feeling when you finally realize that not only do you not have to know all the answers, but to learn that you never walked alone. To understand the fact that it never mattered where you have been, but the only important thing is where you are.
Thank God that I finally stopped at the intersection of “Life” and “Grace.” I dropped off all that hurt, fear and anger and walked away from it. I carried it way too long thinking I deserved it or earned it. I prayed that although I don’t understand the path I am on, I will walk it in faith because I know what is waiting at the end and I know that I am not walking alone.
…and frankly…you don’t deserve to label yourself by your past or beat yourself up anymore. Quit abusing yourself, because when you hold yourself back, talk ugly about yourself and don’t forgive yourself, you are abusing yourself. You don’t deserve the abuse and its time to walk away from all that.
You are at an intersection right this moment, where are you going to walk next and what are you finally going to put down?
Categories: june 2013 diary entry