My husband and I squabble from time to time. Truth. I know you can’t believe it with my sweet disposition and all, but it happens. Usually his fault, of course. (Wink wink) I heard from someone truly wise, that you aren’t really married until you have your first fight.
Shortly after we had exchanged rings and a kiss, we had a good quarrel. We were standing in our bedroom and I gently took off my “Newlywed Happiness Smile Of Bliss” mask, laid it on the nightstand and proceeded to stomp my feet with some sharp barbed words.
We disagreed over something that had come up in the past, but this time I was going to let him have it. My brain had recognized the shift in our relationship. That moment that you have to be honest and call them “jerk” instead of “snookie bear cuddle pants,” because you know you can trust them with your anger. You also know that if you don’t get it out, there will forever be a rift while you sit and stew.
After I launched my verbal volley, my husband explained why he had done “X” and although it still didn’t make a lick of sense, I decided to chill my heels and listen. I had to trust, even in my anger, that his actions weren’t intended to harm me. I had to believe that he didn’t love me any less and I knew he understood my anger. I learned that although my words hurt, he knew they came from pain and he would be there to hold me when the fire subsided. Later that night, lying in bed and holding hands, he whispered “I love you.” I snuggled closer and said, “I know, but you are still a jerk.” He elbowed me, I elbowed him and we went to sleep giggling.
This is how it is with our relationship with God.
Oh the newness and happiness early in our spiritual walk!! We are like giggling newlyweds and only talk about God in endearing, loving tones. Then something happens that hurts and we get angry.
“That wasn’t fair…that didn’t make me happy…how on earth was ‘THAT’ for my good?”
We have that unrealistic opinion that we can’t share that ugliness of hurt with God; as if He is not big enough to be able to handle our foot stomping. We can’t trust it enough to just let Him have it.
I’ve had some things happen in my life that I have gotten quite indignant with God that He would allow such things to happen to me; His love. Who am I kidding…it was a hissy fit of epic proportions. I got mad and I hid it (silly since He is omnipotent and all) because I didn’t trust that He would continue to love me if I got mad about the life He had designed for me. I stewed on it and pulled away in my anger, in my fear and in my pain.
I wasn’t until I came to Him in honesty and said “That was a jerk thing to do, but I’m going to trust that it wasn’t to destroy me,” that my walk with God deepened. I found that His shoulders are more than capable of handling my tears of anger and the honesty allowed me to draw closer.
If you are in a season of anger, consider this when you pray. I’ve been there and I know he can handle this…
I don’t understand why this thing is happening in my life. It hurts and makes me feel as though I don’t matter. All I feel right now is anger, hurt and despair. I’m exhausted and don’t think I can take another day. I feel forsaken.
I’m telling you how I feel, because I trust you. I am going to trust, even though it is so hard, that this thing is not going to destroy me. I am going to trust, in my anger, that there will be good come from this. I am going to draw closer, because the rift between us hurts more than feeling alone does.
I still feel like that was a jerk thing to do, but I am going to trust that you have a reason and that reason is because you love me and you know best. I love you and although I am hurting, I am going to allow you to carry and hold me now.
Categories: june 2013 diary entry