I had to come to the city I used to live in today. No matter how I try to stay away, sometimes the road I have to take leads me back. The streets I know by heart and because of it being a small city, things rarely change.
Out of curiosity, I went by my old house since it wasn’t too far away. The house I shared with Dan, the last house we lived in together. It’s funny how your body responds to situations without your permission. As I weaved through the curves that led to the home, I could feel my heart start to speed up and my mouth began to dry up.
The house still sits empty on the hill. Grass has grown well past the manageable stage and there is an emptiness lingering in the darkened windows. Although the house still appears to be in good condition, it had a broken down feeling when I looked at it. I am sure that it is a projection of the soul that used to be there; of the me I used to be.
I had no desire to sit in the driveway to linger, so I had just slowed down to glance and continue on my way. I gathered all the visual details as quickly as I could and proceeded past at the pace of the ice cream man if he was looking for child customers drawn to his siren song.
My heart beat began to steady itself and I took a drink of my coffee to rewet my mouth. I moved on.
I was talking to a friend late in the night last night about this odd behavior of our body to react much faster than our minds in situations that trigger us. No matter what our mind says about us being over something and having moved on; our body will betray us and send signals that reflect the conflict.
A similar vehicle when we are out in public, a city, a smell, a song, etc. all seep into that part of our hearts that betrays the fact that we thought we had moved on. Especially when we are healing, we can become confused about these bodily reactions. It might feel like a set back. It might feel as though you have tons more work to do. It might feel like failure. It might feel as though it will never get better.
One of the biggest things that we deceive ourselves with is that we are just going to wake up one morning *tadah* and we will feel all fixed and whole. Fears, insecurities, hurts and aches will all be a thing of the past as we become this new person. Totally healed and life is good.
It does not work that way this side of a fairy tale. Lingering feelings that surface in a memory or a moment will continue, but in time they will ease. The frequency decreases and the physical symptoms are noticed, but able to be recognized for what they are.
As with my trip by the old house, you will be able to move on down the road.
Categories: may 2013 diary entry
Wish it wasn’t like that – that when you ‘heal’ or ‘recover’ it was in an instant. The more I learn about life and dealing with issues, but more I learn that it can take a lifetime. Good friends, infrastructure, faith and prayer help. Thanks for sharing your heart and hurts here – it helps me deal with mine.
The ones I am struggling with right now are all the times he lied to me with those exact words, that excuse, that look, and I struggle to trust! I have to if I want my marriage to survive, and I do, but it is so not easy! Especially when my “victories” go unnoticed. I know. Abba sees and He is pleased. But somehow my heart wants my husband to know how hard this is for me. And I’m not sure he ever will so I’m trying to be at peace with that!