I haven’t written much lately, because I’ve just gotten busy with the art of being busy, which in turn makes you wildly unproductive.
Most of my adult life, I ran a business. A darn good business. For over a decade, I created business relationships, marketed, put in manual labor, etc with no sick days or vacation days. I saw a direct correlation of hard work producing results. There were some slow times, but that always made me jump in and claw for more.
When I left that business behind me in pursuit of a new, meaningful start at life. I swore I wouldn’t work as much. I would be there for my kids. I wouldn’t value my worth based on my sales reports, but rather on a general feeling of time well spent.
I suck at this.
Writing…well, it’s slow and doesn’t yield an immediate result. Being a housewife….no immediate result and its the same thing every day for a mostly thankless client(s) who will trash in an instant what you cleaned or snarl tiny noses at a dinner you worked hard to prepare.
I look at my husband leaving everyday to go to work and I feel jealous and guilty.
Jealous because he is providing for our family in a way that I used to. Guilty because I’m not doing it any longer and there are no immediate results of the work I do.
The domain name to my social media life is coming up for renewal and it is causing me to reflect on what do I want to do next. There are some books in the works and I plug into social outlets here and there, but it doesn’t make me feel “busy” or “with purpose” much any more. Perhaps I am burnt out after shining in this online world. Perhaps I have imparted that one piece of advice to the one person who needed it and now my work here is done.
Pray with me? I don’t want to force anything to stop or start, but I need to be busy being busy. I need something more than making biscuits….all these posts lately abut “purpose” and boy, how I question mine….
Categories: may 2013 diary entry