I read quite a few blogs that are as real as it gets and I sit back envious of the way that talk freely about all their life struggles. Then I grab a cup of coffee and get over it.
I don’t believe I have ever claimed to have led a perfect life. If you have ever walked away from reading here and thought that, I am sorry but you are mistaken. I did make a choice a long time ago to not write about anything that might hurt someone in my real life. Trust me, it is tempting a lot of days. I got tons of conflict and lessons I am having to learn. Some days this temptation to air it all is so tempting, I just stop writing. I don’t want to break my promise even if it would feel enormously satisfying.
Lately its been that way a lot. My blog seems silent while my private journals fill up.
I was flipping through the pages and saw a phrase that repeated many times: “In light of who I am and who I am meant to be.” I think that is where I am in this season of life. After almost 4 decades of living I can finally feel confident in who I am. I’m still distressed when I try to figure out who I am meant to be.
I spend the majority of my online time in private conversations. Talking with people who are where I was. I’m confident in that role, but I question all the time is this who I am meant to be? After all with all the ugly chaos in my life, who I am to advise anyone? Who am I to possibly impart wisdom on healing, grace and mercy when it is something I struggle with daily; if not hourly? I share freely about where I was, but struggle tremendously about who I am. It’s part of that promise to not cause additional hurt.
I have stories of hurt, forgiveness, letting go and failing every day that are part of who I am. I also have stories of grace and mercy in light of who I am.
Sure, sometimes I would love to tell you all about a certain person who hurt me. I’d love to tell you about the times I was furious and delivered the best come back phrase ever, but it is not the reason that I write here. I write here “in light of who I am and who I am meant to be.” I have to remember this a lot when I hear that little voice that remembers my failures and asks me “who are you to say these things? Didn’t you just blow it royally when you…”
In light of who I am…
In light of who you are you have the ability to share your life to others. It is why you are here. To connect, to share and to learn from ourselves and others. If we never struggled, failed or had to start over we wouldn’t have a story of mercy and grace. This is who you are meant to be in light of who you are. Someone with a story willing to share to someone who needs to listen.
I’m not perfect by any stretch of the definition, but in light of who I am, I will be who I am meant to be.
Categories: March 2013 diary entry