Dear Kitty

Dear Kitty,

I was informed that my name popped up on a friend’s (I don’t use the term ‘friend’ lightly. This guy has been one of my greatest supporters and I hold him in high regard) blog and this is what I found…

Sometimes you feel the need to ask someone else to write something. If nothing else but to become inspired yet again.

I messed up. A few months back, I was asked to participate in a blog relay. We were to write about the word hope in whatever way we wanted to. I did that. And as instructed, I also invited three other friends to do that. And they did. They did amazing jobs. Here is where I messed up.

I forgot one friend.

If I were to think of the word hope, it’s easy to think of this person and make a connection. I’ve read this person for a good while now and let me tell you, she is one of the best ones out there.

I know this is kind of after the fact and not in line with the whole relay, which again, my fault. I hope she will take this task and run with it. I can totally see this person helping a lot of her readers who may be struggling with something. Whatever it may be.

Alycia, I hope you will take this challenge at some point in the future and make it your own.

Hope.

There are thousands of beautiful quotes and little analogies explaining hope, but you won’t “get it” until you HAVE it. Until the day you really love yourself, you’ll never have it. Only when you fall madly in love with yourself can you give yourself the promise that is “Hope.” Then and only then will you “get it.”

There was a time that I thought to myself that I had no hope. Then my life was changed by someone who truly had no hope and I saw that it had been in my life all along. Every day of my life I had woken up and tried again to be stronger, to be better or to just endure; I had hope. Sometimes it was such a tiny effort, I overlooked it and claimed hopelessness. But, when my late husband took his own life I truly understood what no hope actually looks like.

No hope is not being able to see past your pain and look into the eyes of your children who adore you past your demons.

No hope is not bothering to blow out your 41st birthday candle because you have no intention to live another day.

No hope is believing that your bad day or fight with a loved one has changed who you are forever and there is no coming back.

No hope is declaring that you are going to end your life and not being able to find a valid reason to stop yourself.

There were many dark days after his death that I began to wonder what “hope” was and how you get it. I thought back about the years we had spent together and how had I been able to walk away with “hope” while he had none. I remembered the day that I chose not to fight his demons with him any longer and walked away from his darkness.

Hope is having a fight in the morning and spending the afternoon thinking of ways to “make it up.”

Hope is drying your eyes from crying and then asking the children if they would like to go to the park to feed the ducks.

Hope is being told about all your faults and facing yourself in the mirror, looking right into your eyes and styling your hair for the day.

Hope is waking up after crying yourself to sleep and believing that today might be different.

Hope is the little feeling that creeps into your heart, even when you are hurting, that says “it doesn’t have to be like this.” Personal hope is born from self love. Loving yourself enough to believe that you are worth more, you deserve better and you are enough just the way you are. Once it tiptoes into your mind it has nothing to do but grow bigger and bigger. Your hopes begin to branch out and bloom until you just can’t help but take action and try one more time.

If you find yourself in a place of hopelessness, be gentle with yourself and love yourself through it. You may have made mistakes, you may have been hurt and you might have hurt others, but there is always hope where there is love. There is not one person or one circumstance on this Earth that isn’t made more beautiful once seen through eyes of hope.

Love says you are worth it and hope says “I’m going to prove it.”

__________________

Just as Jerrod before me, I think of others I have met who personify “HOPE.” I only get to choose 3 though, so Beth, Traci and Lena…tell me what it means to you.



Categories: February 2013 diary entry

Tags: , , , , ,

6 replies

  1. I love this so much. “there is always hope where there is love.”

    I’m honored to be tagged in this relay of hope. Thank you.

  2. I’m happy to have found you through Tracie. This was beautiful and painful to read, as it brought awareness that I am far from being madly in love with myself. I’m still inching towards hope each day, though, and am a long way from the dark period when my brother committed suicide. I look forward to reading more of your work. Hugs

    • Thank you for stopping by.
      It is hard to love yourself! Some days I still don’t like myself much, but I live myself because I know that God designed me and if he can love me enough to die for me, I certainly can live for him!

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