Dear Kitty,

By The Mind Filled on February 19, 2013 • ( 2 )

Dear Kitty,

I am a recovering “People Pleaser” and am now spiraling daily into “The Bad Guy.”

I used to heavily resent “The Bad Guy.” Always the party pooper, kill-joy, doomsdayer and over all stick in the mud, I could not bring myself to be “The Bad Guy.” Especially since “The Bad Guy” always seems to use the ugly “N” word all the time; NO.

Blame it on being adopted, blame it on a decade of domestic abuse, blame it on the fact that I got a red tricycle when I wanted a blue one…it matter very little the reason from the past, this is where I found myself and it set me up for all kinds of let-downs and hurts. In my quest to not let anyone down, I was terrified to say “NO.”

Soon after the clouds parted and a beam of light shone down illuminating the simple fact that to be a “People Pleaser” is synonymous with being a door mat; I dusted myself off and embraced being a spoilsport.

The kids are having a grand time bouncing from the bunk beds onto the dresser and then onto the floor. I become the Prophet of Doom and rain on their little parade. I have a million things that I need to do and receive a phone call to do a favor for someone. I become the wet blanket and turn them down. I find myself put in a situation that causes me stress and emotional issues. I’ve learned to be the grouch and put my foot down.

I have discovered (thankfully not too late in life) that to be “The Bad Guy” means that I have expectations for myself. It says that I expect to be listened to, I expect to be valued and I expect to not be mistreated. I expect these things because, deadgummit, I deserve it.

For many, many years I only valued myself on how others valued me. If they asked me to do something, I thought that meant they valued me and would continue to value me when I achieved what they wanted me to do. It didn’t matter that I was backlogged on things I really needed to do, I couldn’t let them down. To let them down would mean I had no value because of what their expectations for me were.

We’ve heard that you can’t please everyone, but do you actually believe that or do you find yourself in the vicious cycle of judging your value by who is pleased by you?

Now days, I am the “Bad Guy” but only in the definition of valuing and insisting on my limitations and expectations. I will not let you swing from the chandeliers because having fun isn’t worth getting hurt. I will not tackle another project until the things that are important to myself and my house are handled first because what I need matters. I will not make an apology when I am put into a situation that hurts me emotionally, because I value my heart and don’t deserve to be made unhappy just because it makes someone else happy.

I am a recovering “People Pleaser.” Is that OK?