Oh, how I have missed doing this! It’s been a little over a month, but I got a nudge to write again. Although it was *just* a month, it was hard to not write here. To not share, to not talk. On the bright side, I got a lot of spring cleaning done early and the November release of “Wake Up In The Mourning” is right on track (although the last possible second of the last day of November.)
I wanted to take a moment to give you a sneak peak of “Wake Up In The Mourning” plus a bonus sneak peak of the fiction “Enos’ Angel”
Wake Up In The Mourning –
I had a promise. “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. – I Cor 13:7”
I had seen that verse since I was a child, but never really applied it to my life. I did now.
Love – no longer was defined to me as just a personal attachment. Love became an unselfish, compassionate affection. Through God’s blessings on me and opening of my eyes; I now understood that what Dan and I shared was the love of love. Within our marriage was fear, jealousy, contempt, pride, anger and guilt. We remained married as long as we did because he was dependent on someone weak and I became dependent on what I thought was strong.
I saw love now through the eyes of a believer in Christ. Through the definitions given to us that are also commandments. They weren’t given so that we were puppets in an Earthly play, but so that we would receive fullness in this life through the blessing of love.
Love believes all things – Through more than a decade of an abusive marriage, I lost my belief in many things. God, safety, my own self; were just a number of the things I no longer believed in. After God started His domino effect in my life, I began seeing that all things were possible because of His love for me. Being able to believe in the goodness of life and the purpose of who I am was the greatest gift given to me. Because I now believed in those things, I believed that I was worthy to be fully loved.
Love hopes all things – From the moment that I cried out for God to just do something in my life and began to be very specific in what I wanted, He granted my hopes. I don’t know if that is normal for everyone and every person who hits their knees in desperation get their desires, but He did it for me. I don’t think because I deserved it more than another, but I needed to healthy dose of “hope” for the things He was preparing me for.
Love endures all things – This wasn’t really a lesson on what I had endured in life and in the pursuit of love, but a lesson on what He took from me while He still loved me. God had been cursed more times than I care to admit by me, I turned my back on him many times and I foolishly threw away gifts that He had given me in hopes that I could do better on my own. By the time I was broken and weeping, He could have turned His back on me. It’s what I deserved and it’s what love had been defined to me as by my Earthly quest for love. Yet, He poured his love on me, by enduring me.
There was a phrase that Dan used to use to mock me in times that I would want to change things in my/our lives.
“Where is your burning bush?”
I never had a moment where a bush spontaneously combusted in front of me and began to speak, but I did have a moment in the quiet, still of the night where I felt a whisper in my heart that set me on fire.
“Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
Shattered I cried out, “I just want to be loved!”
The whisper said, “You always have been.”
Wounded I shouted, “I just want to be held and comforted!”
The whisper said, “You always have been.”
Broken I whispered, “I just wanted someone to love me so much that they would die for me.”
The whisper said, “I already have.”
I prayed, “Lord, heal me and make me a new life.”
The whisper said, “Follow me.”
So against the standard of society, I walked as a new Widow into that restaurant and met part of my new life.
Enos had been rambling on and off in between prayers and praises since the moment he had grabbed my hand. Although I normally enjoy the long-winded chaotic genius of the mentally diverse; I hadn’t been paying much attention to the sing-song nature of his speeches. I did however hone in to the reverent silence when we crossed the front door’s threshold.
Adorning the entry hall was every piece of religious art that could be imagined and some that probably should not have brought to materialization. Wooden crosses that looked adept at turning away a 16 foot vampire to paintings of a suffering Jesus on rich velvet. Iron crosses and even a crucifix made of fancy silverware accompanied various pictures of angels helping children cross a bridge or comfort a crying soldier.
Enos released my hand as he shuffled slowly past the sorrowful eyes of Mother Mary. Crooked fingers gently caressed each piece as though he was greeting prodigal children.
I don’t know why I thought blind people weren’t capable of producing tears, so I was surprised to see his tears cascading through his wrinkles like tiny waterfalls.
Looking from the weeping fossil of a man to the decorating choices of spiritual decadence, I indeed knew I was standing in the presence of a level of absurdity I would probably never have been able to imagine.
My brain said, “Flee in terror!”
My stomach said, “Let’s eat first.”
My feet had nothing to say. Feet seldom have a say in any matter.
So that is what I have been up to.
I have a lot more that I want to share, but I have to grab a box with holes, some duct tape and take a cat to the vet.
…and frankly…I’m just glad to write here again.