Dear Kitty,

I am still answering questions today and want to address some of the ones that I got privately. These were the tough ones and I wanted to take the weekend to pray about my answers before I put it on the blog. I also talked in depth with the people who sent me these questions and would just like to ask you to pray for them as they go through difficult moments in life and are trying to get through it safely and with grace.

*Disclaimer: I am only answering questions from my opinion based on my experiences. These are heavy questions and my answers should not be misconstrued as psychiatric advice. I urge the ones who asked the questions, as well as those who may be reading the answers to seek professional help, support group, etc. while trying to work through this. I am answering the questions not to guide, but give my thoughts due to my specific experiences.

Q1: I am presently out of the immediate threat of abuse and although I never suffered from it much before, now I am suffering from anxiety.

When we are in a situation that is survival (whether that is physical or emotional) we use up all of our energy to survive the moment. There is no need for anxiety at that point, because we simply don’t have the presence of mind for that. We may feel anxious in the moment, but replace it quickly with relief once the moment of danger has passed. We don’t give ourselves time to process it as we move from one situation to the other.

Now that you are “free” in a sense, anxiety that you have stored up comes back up. As you have the freedom in your mind to process past and present situations, it shows itself as anxiety that can’t be beaten because you never beat it before. You didn’t have time to.

Having medical help (pharmaceuticals) can be beneficial because it does help you get through the physical stages of anxiety (although many different dosages or name brands may need to be tried to achieve results) But it’s not until you deal mentally with the situations that you will train yourself how to get through the emotional effects of anxiety.

This can be done by seeking help from a professional, group or trusted friends. You will need to find your trigger and learn a healthy response to that trigger.

Q2: Why do we find ourselves going back to a dangerous (abusive) situation?

Our mind knows better, but our logic kicks off and we go to what we have found to be our normal. There is a sense of relief when we don’t have to be strong or in control of our lives, because we never have been.

YES…we know the result of the abusive situation, but we are scared to be without it. To be without it is to be in the unknown…if the known is scary…what would the unknown be like? As women (especially) we have a hopeless cause towards things can change, people can change and we don’t want to be known as someone who gives up…This can be changed by understanding that not every storyline has a happy ending.

Some things are better not ended in a neat little fashion, but walked away from. We are used to (and have been told) that we are weak and nobody would want us. An abusive relationship is all about dependency on the abuser and from the abuser. Being free from dependency is a scary place to go into, but you can do it the moment you realize that your abuser is a liar. They need you weak. They need you dependent…it doesn’t mean that you are. They keep you down, because THEY are afraid of you being strong.

Q3: I am currently in an abusive situation and sometimes I wish my abuser would be hurt or die. I am not a violent person, so why do I wish harm on another?

This is the mind’s way of survival. We have learned through life the motto of only the strong survive. Because we have given (often through force) so much power to our abuser, the only way that we can believe in freedom is through their demise.

It’s normal to wish that your abuser is dead, because your mind believes that is the path to freedom because it is the path of least resistance. You have trained your mind over time to believe them to be indestructible and powerful. The only answer to that is their death, because death means the end of what you know.

You have to get to a point where you believe you are the strong one and you should be the one to survive no matter their state of being.

Q4: I know my partner is abusive to me, but I don’t want to leave and deny him/her (or fight over) their right to their children

We are raised and conformed by society that when we have children by another that they should have a role in the offsprings’ life. We believe that possibly the other parent can change over time and our children will benefit from having both parents. It’s also scary to think that we have to parent by ourselves when we have been conditioned to think that we are useless as a person.

This changes when you realize that your children are actually watching you with their other parent. Even very young children know abuse when they see it and you have to decide to break the cycle of what they see is a normal relationship. You have to choose that your children will see you struggle to make a life for them and that is OK.

You have the God given right to protect your child(ren) at all costs against anything that would harm them. This DOES include an abusive family member. You should never feel guilty that you are taking your children from a harmful situation to protect them long term. Just as they depended on you for food in their infant ages, they depend on you to show them that they are worth fighting for, struggling for…to provide them with a loving, nurturing environment.

…and frankly…if you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship; seek help. There are many groups (government, religious and local) that have programs to help you out of an abusive situation and back into living life. Also, if you have been through any of the questions above and have further advice or answers, I want to hear from you.

Categories: October Diary Entry

Tags: I am afraid to take my children from the abusive parent, I have anxiety due to domestic violence, why do I go back to abuse, why do I wish harm on my abuser