We have fit comfortably into the life that we live now. The girls and I learned the painful lesson of enjoying “today” because we aren’t guaranteed a “tomorrow.”
Brian is a very spontaneous man. He will call and “poof” we are going to a ball game, out to eat or a movie. We play and dance spontaneously throughout our days.
The girls and I are not used to it, and I doubt we ever will be. We don’t take much for granted.
Last night they begged to watch some old home movies. I love revisiting them when they were babies, so I went to go get the movies out. There are only a few, but I keep them hidden. Not because I don’t want them watching them, but because it is something that can never be replaced. Not even by a photograph.
You see, those movies, they are the only way they can visit the past. It’s the only way they can hear their dad’s voice. It’s the only way they will ever remember that their dad danced with them.
There was a time that he would take a moment and dance with the two older girls. He would laugh as he spun them around and around. Only once did I pick up a video camera to capture it. I thought there would be more times, so I never really picked up the video camera as much as I should. As much as I would have had I known the future. The times were rare and the girls don’t remember much of it. They remember the last months the most. The depression, withdrawal, anger and the loss. I have a hard time remembering it now too.
We get caught up in our life now. So eager to live in “today” and put the pain of “yesterday” behind us. Reaching for every blessing that has been poured out on us. Sometimes when they are cuddled up with Brian or sharing a special moment with him, they try to relate to what their memories of Dan were. They are glaringly different.
God knew the girls would need a father. A father big enough to cover the loss and love them through pain. Someone who would be there as they grow up and who would dance with them through their lives. Someone strong enough to step in an empty place that was left behind in their hearts. We were blessed with such a man that wasn’t afraid to step into the pain that was left.
Yet, every now and then, they need to remember that their dad danced with them.
…and frankly…so do I.
Categories: September Diary Entry