Dear Kitty,

Dear Kitty,

I am dying.

Some days I wake up and think I “can’t.” I simply can’t die because there are meals to cook, laundry to fold and a child that needs to be potty trained. I have things written on my calendar. Bills to pay, promises made and holidays approaching.

I look at a date that I have something I am looking forward to doing and I suffer through today, because today isn’t going well.

I know the kids, a friend or my husband want to sit down and spend time together, but I have so much to do.

I forget I am dying.

I am harsher to the kids than I should be sometimes. I forget to tell my parents I love them. I get overwhelmed and moody. I hold a grudge with a family member. I find a voice mail or text from someone I care about and I get too wrapped up in a project to return it. I know someone who could use help and I think “tomorrow…”

Then I remember I am dying.

I notice the clock on the wall and realize that so much time has passed in this day and I didn’t live in it, I just counted down the minutes.

I see things different in those moments.

I look at the kids in church clothes and rather than think about the laundry, I jump in the puddle with them.

I listen to the kid with the sassy mouth and rather than march them to time out, I stop and hug them.

I look at the food I’ve put out to start preparing dinner, I pick up my phone and call my mom instead.

I turn away from the calendar of deadlines and “to-do” and call my friends for an impromptu get-together.

I take a breath and realize that it was given to me. It wasn’t promised. I acknowledge that this moment was designed for me to live, despite my death. When I am gone, this is what is shaping the memories of the ones I love about who I was. My last choice shows them what was really important to me. I want to take advantage of my choices while I still have them.

Sometimes I get so busy living that I forget to live. Sometimes I count down the minutes so often that I don’t recognize the time that I wasted.

Waiting to live and forgetting I am dying.

…and frankly…Knowing I am dying is how I want to live.



Categories: August Diary Entry

Tags: , ,

1 reply

  1. “Sometimes I get so busy living that I forget to live.” I have a similar motto on my About Me page of the Poop blog. it’s a great motto, and so easy to forget.

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