Dear Kitty,

By The Mind Filled on August 17, 2012 • ( 1 )

Dear Kitty,
Today I want to write more to a specific person(s) who has been reading and struggling. Yet, I don’t want to single anyone out…so just take this to heart if you need it.

Your Abusive Relationship Lies:

If I could just be… Stop there. It doesn’t matter how you feel the need to finish that statement. You are enough to deserve the best. Regardless of your shortcomings that are being used against you by an abusive partner or even by yourself, you don’t need to be something else to deserve love and respect. Non-abusive love is accepting and when there is something that you need to work on in your personal life, encourages you lovingly, supports you unconditionally and love is never a sliding scale based on your performance.
Things will change…Halt. “THINGS” don’t change, but people can. However, if one person is unwilling to change, nothing will. It’s beyond your ability to make the choice for someone else to change their behavior. No matter how hard you try, no matter how you work towards change; it is not in your power.
I will leave when…NO! An exit strategy of perfect alignment will never happen. If you wait for the perfect moment, it will never happen in an imperfect relationship. It will not be perfect ever. It will be hard, but not as hard as the abuse you are enduring.
Walking out will damage our children…NOPE! Staying will damage your children. In an abusive relationship, even if your children have never been touched, kids are damaged. They lose security, they lose the correct perception of how an adult should behave and the list goes on. Simply watching or hearing their parent abused is also abuse. Showing strength to walk because you value them and yourself can be the start of healing for everyone.
It’s never been physical, so it’s not abuse…INCORRECT! Abuse is abuse is abuse. Whether it ever become physical, the scars that can be left behind with verbal abuse, mental abuse, sexual abuse, financial abuse are farther lasting than any bruise. While you may never experience a hand laid upon you, if you ever feel fear of any kind or retribution from your partner, it’s not love; it’s abuse.
I’m afraid to be alone…Pause. You are NOT alone. Period. If nobody else has offered to help you leave and understand an exit strategy; I will. I will stand beside you. There are centers set up in most cities that will also help you leave, be protected and learn to start over with assistance and support. Calling is the beginning of your life of freedom.
I will fail myself or my children…Stop. First, it’s not going to be easy. I won’t promise you that. There will be struggles, you will be tempted to go back to what has just become normal, but if you are committed in your mind to live a life without fear, you will NOT fail. You are currently in the worst of your life. You are afraid, suppressed, hurting, confused (just to name a few) but it doesn’t have to be like that for one more second. This is your life to take back control of.
Nobody loves me, so why bother….NO!!! It’s not about having someone there to show you a love you dream of, it’s about loving yourself enough to expect and demand the freedom to live without fear. You have probably been told for so long or shown that you don’t deserve a kind word or touch, but you do. That feeling that you are suffering is the side-effect of their control over you, but when you take control back in your own hands where it belongs, that starts going away. You ARE loved and you ARE worth it.

If you want to know more about my personal struggle with domestic violence and walking from it, please take the time to read “My Story – Deciding To Dance” on this blog at the top.

If you are unsure or ready to walk but need someone to guide you or someone to just listen. I am here anytime day or night. You can email me privately at alycia.neighbours@gmail. Your information at no time will be publicized or used in such a way to endanger you while you are still living in an abusive relationship.

Be ready to start living, because YOU are worth it just like you are.