With my first pregnancy I poured over everything that was detailed out in “What To Expect When You Are Expecting.” For the record, pregnancy, birth and subsequent raising of children never fits into the classification of “Expected.”
Now that there are so many kids in my house, I need the manual titled “Unexpected: What To Expect”
This manual will give details for the following:
1: First Aid For Pet Rocks and other imaginary friends – First you must pay attention to how your child interacts with the best friend ever. This will come in handy when you must perform mouth to mouth or put a bandage on an arm. You must know where these body parts are located before treatment. You also need to know exactly what they look like so that when you make the “Missing” posters, you can draw their exact likeness.
2. Monster and Boogie-Man Extermination: When the simple “It’s just a shadow” no longer works, sometimes a spray bottle of “Monster repellent” (water) works. For extra large spooks you may require a baseball bat, a large trash bag and a wicked good imagination. If all else fails, simply requiring your child to go ahead and clean their room, the bathroom or any other project will usually diminish the fear and induce bed time.
3. How to remain sane, in control and positive: No experiments or study trials have seen a success in this.
4. Crafts or other projects that you see online or hear through friends: You won’t have the time to do these and them turn out anything like the picture. Also their houses are not that clean and organized. Outside the frame of the picture are dishes piled in the sink and children engaged in a WWF brawl. Resign yourself to the fact that DIY does not play well with a home with small children. Glitter is not your friend. Coffee is.
5.Getting multiple children to play well in the same home: No experiments or study trials have seen a success in this.
6. How to maintain cleanliness and order in a house with kid(s): HAHAHAHAHAHA!
7. Balanced and yummy meal that kid(s) will eat: Just stock up on hot dogs, peanut butter and chicken nuggets. Add in some gummy vitamins. Done. Kid(s) will eat certain veggies if you promise it will make them fart.
8. Having to run errands or shop with children: I’m sorry.
9. Comparing parenting techniques: Never admit to breast/bottle feeding, cloth or disposable diapering, CIO or co-sleeping, etc. Always respond with “I’m still trying to do whatever is best for my kid(s)” Any other response that alludes to a stance will result in a poop-storm that you will not be prepared for.
On the last page there will be a disclaimer that everything detailed out in this manual will probably not work for you. You will have your own set of unexpected moments and you will be expected to wing it just like everyone else.
…and frankly…we should all just accept that there are no rules or standards.
Categories: August Diary Entry