A year has passed.
Dan wrote on his FaceBook wall, “I never get what I want for my birthday. I’m done with them. Does this mean I get to stay 40? I’m canceling all holidays too.”
A little over an hour later he took his life.
The little bit of time between what seemed like a jest at first sight to the moment he decided to die. Our last interaction. The last time he saw his daughters. The last words that were said…those minutes haunt me still.
What if I had known?
It feels like years ago. It feels like yesterday.
Mere minutes and he was gone. No answers. No conclusion, only an ending.
Minutes. They matter more to me now than they ever did. A minute can change everything, yet how many pass us by while we do nothing.
His watch that he wore still sits in my bedside table. He checked it all the time because he was obsessed with time. Never late. I count the minutes on his watch now with him gone. They pass by, minute to hour and hours to days. The watch had no regard for him being gone. It still keeps the time as it speeds by.
I am in these minutes.
You are in these minutes.
They are ours to watch. They are ours to use. They are ours to decide what we are going to do in the next minutes.
Minutes to plan.
Minutes to work by.
Minutes to love.
Minutes to live.
Dan made in choice in minutes that affected all of us. His family, his friends all were impacted by that minute. We thought we would have more minutes shared. His children had planned on spending the next day with their dad swimming.
Yet a minute can change everything.
On this year anniversary, we recognize our minutes. It’s what we learned and something we will never take for granted again.
Dan is missed and how I wish he had chosen one more minute. One more birthday. One more minute with his daughters. One more minute to not give up. One more minute to live.
Please recognize your minutes as they pass. Choose to live in each one.
…and frankly…that’s all I want to do, really live.
Categories: diary entry July
All of those minutes are so important. Praying for you and your girls as the minutes continue to pass… and the memories of what happened continues to surround you.
Praying especially hard for you today. Anniversaries are hard, but you are strong, funny and beautiful (come to think of it, much like myself! :)) Much love.