About 15 years ago, I scowled my ugliest scowl and said, “I double dog dare you!!” to God.
I was mad, defiant and in a general bad mood with Life. I felt worthless and alone. It was also my birthday.
Separated from family and friends, I just needed to know that my life mattered. Desperate to know that the day of my birth meant something, I demanded that God do something to prove it to me.
Yup, I called the Big Guy out and double dogged dared him.
In the closing of the day, when orange and yellow streaked the horizon; a huge storm whipped out of nowhere.
No, lightning wasn’t going to strike me, (although I might have needed a strike on the bum) but I adore storms. It wasn’t supposed to storm that night, (I know because I stalk The Weather Channel for possible storms – ask my friends) but a huge storm showed up. Humbled by the power and in awe of the beauty; I considered this my answer from God. That even in my worst moments in our relationship; He would rain His love and mercy down around me in an unmistakeable God moment.
Many years later as my relationship with God remained infantile and my marriage was getting worse and worse; I received His assurance every birthday that I still was worth it. A storm sometimes big enough to track and sometimes just a pop-up appeared every birthday.
Seriously. Every 10th of July within the 24 hour span of the day there has been a storm. I even have friends to this day who know about these storms, the story behind them and cheer when they appear. They always do.
Except once. Last year for my birthday there was no real storm. It threatened with one rumble of thunder, but never made it.
I was at a spot where I really needed it too. My divorce was almost final and there was so much going on emotionally. I needed to see my storm. At around 4am I went to bed. I gave up.
Five days later I stood outside the Emergency Room doors about a half hour after Dan was pronounced “dead.” The night sky that was previously clear had clouded up and the lightning and thunder began. I was standing outside with my mother and with all the things going through my head, I am surprised my heart heard the thunder. I remarked to my mother that I wondered if that meant Dan was in Heaven and very little else was said, but my heart listened to each rumble.
As I think back about the birthday that was missed, I realize more than anything that God didn’t let me down at all. It wasn’t that I didn’t deserve a display of His love on my birthday; it’s just that He knew the day was coming soon that I would need to hear the thunder more. I would need to be reminded that I was loved. I needed Him to rise to the challenge and rain down His mercy on my shattered soul.
This year I wonder which day I will get my storm. Yes, I wonder which day, but I don’t wonder “IF.” I know I am loved beyond measure and that each birthday is so special because I am right where He designed me to be.
…and frankly…I don’t really need thunder on a certain day to prove that.
Categories: Diary entry June