It happened again This time on another blog, but it is no less frustrating than when it is person.
Somebody compared divorce to death of a spouse. We (widows) have heard this before in a dozen different ways. A certain person even remarked to me that at least I didn’t have to go through the messy divorce and custody issues.
For those who can’t seem to discern between death and divorce, here are some sample comparisons (feel free to add your own in the comments)
Divorce: Going through your shared closet and pulling out all of his suits for him to pick up to take to his place.
Death: Going through your shared closet and pulling out a suit to bury him in.
Divorce: Your kids ask when they can go see the other parent and you respond “next weekend.”
Death: Your kids ask when they can see the other parent again and you say “never.”
Divorce: Your child support is running a little bit behind and you have to call your lawyer.
Death: The SSI that you and your children receive isn’t enough to make ends meet and you have to get anther job.
Divorce: Your ex calls to tell you that he is remarrying and is happy with life.
Death: You go to your spouse’s tombstone to tell them about your life.
Divorce: When you fill out your kid’s school registration you can put the name and address of the other parent, as well as a contact number in case of emergency.
Death: In the lines for the other parent, you have to write “Not Applicable.”
Divorce: As you watch your ex go through life you hope that the thing that split you up has changed each of you to live productive happy lives from here on out.
Death: You can only hope that you have a happy productive life for yourself, because your spouse is dead.
Divorce: loss of a shared dream
Death: loss of a person.
….and frankly….there is no comparison.
Categories: Diary entry June
Quote from the blog post: “Beyond these details there was a progression of endings — moving out, quitting therapy, getting a lawyer, signing papers — all of it mounted toward the final goal.”
Mine: “Beyond these details there was a progression of endings — moving into the ICU, having my therapist visit me in the hospital I couldn’t leave, contacting our lawyer for the living will document, signing the DNR papers — all of it mounted toward the final goal: his release from a 46 year-old body that could no longer function.”
See a lot of that is where I struggle. The use of “final” when talking about divorce. I was trying to go through one, so I understand the emotions and not one compares to finality of death.
There is a saying that deals with change and perseverance that says “as long as I have a breath…”
What if you don’t?
Death is the only thing that is final on this Earth.
Divorce: When you think about your children; looking back to the day they were born, the day they started school, the day they laughed and laughed ’cause daddy tickled their bellies, you feel sad that those years have gone but you know that, despite the divorce, you AND your ex get to witness many more heartwarming moments in your children’s lives and your children get to grow up with that Daddy and that bond, despite the fact that he’s not married to you anymore.
Death: When you think about your children; looking back to the day they were born, the day they started school, the day they laughed and laughed ’cause daddy tickled their bellies, your heart breaks into a million pieces because you know there will be NO more shared moments like this, no more Daddy tickles, no walk down the aisle, no playful banter, no cuddles with Dad. He’s gone forever.
I wrote a response on this very topic not long after my husband passed. http://www.blogher.com/divorce-not-death-its-divorce-death-death-0
Very well written! Thank you for sharing it here.
great comparison. those people who say they hate their ex dont realize its easier to say he is in the next city or state over than hes in heaven. thats the hardest part to read i think. the kid factor is the deepest cut. id rather say i have a father who never cared and has never called me except to get mad at me than say oh my dads dead. good post. kudos