I received an email last night concerning my Twitter bio containing the hashtag “widow.” It was the determination of the author that since I was remarried, then perhaps I needed to take that off.
I will not and let me explain why.
Does a victim of child abuse lose their experiences because they became an adult?
Does a mother who lost a child no longer grieve because she had another child?
Does a homeowner lose their memory of the loss after their home is rebuilt after a fire?
There are challenges in life that are a transition point or as I heard it put recently; a “hinge” moment. It’s those hinge moments that take you from your path and swing you in a totally different direction. It doesn’t just change your direction; it changes “YOU.”
Whatever your hinge moment was there is no denying that you will never be the same. That change of direction in your life is usually a time that your very soul was shattered and your view on what could possibly happen changes drastically. It took you to a place where you were completely vulnerable and had no control.
When I became a widow it was the last thing I ever thought I would have to deal with. Never mind the “how” of it all. It wasn’t something that I thought “normal” people my age faced. It drastically changed my life as a woman and took my beliefs on life to a whole new level. With that label I discovered a whole world of people out there just like me. Some had stood by their partner in illness and some had their partner taken in a blink of an eye. One thing was a constant though. We all had a new set of emotional rules we played by. One were mortality doesn’t discriminate. We had a new playbook on how to navigate life at our ages and having to deal with young children at the loss of a parent.
None of that changed when I remarried. I realized that the “til death us do part” is not reserved for cute 80 year old couples in rocking chairs. It makes me look at my husband in a way that knows I am not promised a tomorrow with him. It causes me to look at my life now and live it as intensely as possible.
Just because you step into a “happily ever after,” you don’t undefine yourself from your hinge moment. It is why you are YOU today. You were changed and it is a disservice to not acknowledge the path you took and the price that you paid.
I was not widowed. I am a widow.
Categories: Uncategorized
Alycia Neighbours 
Thanks for letting me know that there is actually something called a “hinge moment.” I have lived quite a few of those moments myself and I never want anyone to take those away from me. They made me who I am and how I define myself today.
It’s your bio. Do whatever you want. I’m divorced as well as remarried. My wife asked me which of course is code for told me to make it clear on the innertwitterfacebookswebz that I was off the market. Fair enough. I still talk about being divorced. It damn near killed me. Why wouldn;t I. It helped make me the person I am today with my wife and blended family. So does your widowed way.
you’re awesome
I agree my friend, I will always be “infertile” even though I carried babies in my body and now hold them in my arms, the complete disobediance of my own body is never going to feel any less than infertile.
I completely agree and support you describing yourself any way you choose xo
Amen. I no longer struggle with PPD but having PPD changed me completely. And like Lance, I’m divorced. Even if/when I become involved with someone else, that won’t make my divorce suddenly disappear. While you’re here, you define you, not anyone else. If someone else is uncomfortable with how I choose to define me that’s THEIR problem, not mine. I feel sad for them – not because they’re choosing to point fingers – but because they’re doing so instead of living their own life fully. If they were out there living, REALLY living, they wouldn’t have time to point fingers.
Our path defines us, shapes us, molds the way the world views us as well as we view the world. Why would we want to take something away from that. For me being a widow has taught me a valuable lesson of compassion and love and knowing that we are not infact.. invincible.. but life is precious, so are the people in it. I love deeper, I forgive easier and I don’t forget I had a past. This is a decision that each has to make and the world can just deal with it
YES! YES! YES! Those major events in our life change us dramatically and forever! Well said.
Most of the Societal tags have gone by the wayside. I think it’s a horrible label but it is part of your identity no metter what. It definitely gives perspective. With your first marriage, if someone had told you he’d be gone one day when you’d only been a few months in, you would have thought that person crazy. You have the opposite reaction now. We should all cherish our loved ones more and better than we do. Because none of us are guaranteed tomorrow. It’s a gift. If you consider yourself a widow, then you are. You are remarried and your first marriage didn’t cease to be just bc you are remarried. It’s really a nonya business to anyone who would request you change anything.