Last year in October, I wrote this post for Annie….
Just once I would like to introduce my child and give no disclaimer.
Just once I would to like to have a conversation with my child.
Just once I would like to look at other children and not compare.
Just once I would like to not have to play the interpreter.
Just once I wish I had the grace to be the mom she deserves all the time.
It has taken me almost 5 years to accept the fact that I have a special needs child. It wasn’t because I thought I was too good to have a special needs child; it was simply because I thought she was too perfect to be a special needs child.
By the end of the day my heart hurts.
By the end of a lesson my heart hurts.
By the end of a play date my heart hurts.
Sometimes when my heart hurts I am not a great mom. The frustration and sadness overwhelm and my reactions are knee jerk. My responses are impatient and my tone is bitter.
I know better and I do it anyways.
The power a mother has over her children is a crushing weight; the demand to always meet needs and mold character. Some days I am less than impressed with the way my children saw me. How I failed to meet expectations and hurt feelings. I have to remind myself that fighting a battle isn’t easy and sometimes I am weary. In that moment, I have to accept that I have a special needs child and that is a separate battle.
Just once I would like to understand everything my child tells me.
Just once I would like to have a moment of clear communication.
Just once I would like a clear diagnosis so I can understand our enemy.
It has to be something more than just a lack of communication. It has to be some form of something bigger.
Can this speech delay really be all it is? Is that what causes the emotional problems?
It has to be something bigger.
Just once I would like to understand.
Memorized words of a song.
Stood on a stage in front of our whole church.
Became the prettiest angel I have ever seen.
I re-read the words I wrote above and can scarcely believe it is the same child. I still vividly remember her struggles, our heartache and my hopes.
My hope took wings, put them on and sang beautifully.
Speaking of hope on wings…for those who follow me on Facebook; y’all already know. It’s official.