Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.
It’s been a hard year and many times I have felt like that caterpillar. For those of you who have been following along through the years, you have seen all the changes. For years I was “Crayon Wrangler” and you know what? I miss her. The separation between my husband and I got very ugly and he stole the name from me using it to be vile and spread ugliness. I have never been able to regain access to those accounts. He stole it from me. He stole a lot from us.
I’m taking it back. It’s mine. It’s ME.
My posts over the past year have changed so much. Although I only wrote what was on my heart, I tried to focus on a reinvention of self. I had to. I lost who I was. I had been a wife, a mother, a divorcee, a single mother, a victim, a widow and a survivor. I had been crushed, weak, strong and enduring. Like that caterpillar, I thought the world was over. Then I began seeing that I had the choice to be a butterfly.
I had hid so much as “Crayon Wrangler.” The ugly marriage I was in. The abuse. I used my writing as a way to escape all of it and be me. Finding my writing voice again has been hard because I no longer need to write to escape. I get to pour my feelings out, my emotions, my tears and my laughs in my real life. They are no longer being swept under a rug. I’ve shaken out that rug and cleaned out the closets.
As the calendar year begins to change, so am I. Back to “Crayon Wrangler” antics. Back to silly vlogs. Back to writing stories and silly song parodies about the craziness that is parenting. Only difference will be being the real ME. The me that worries about failing. The me that loves photography. The me who can’t organize her closet to save her life. The me who wants my life to make a difference. The me that is beginning to step into the shoes of being a step-parent to 5 boys. The me that has never parented a teenager and their dramas, but now faces three hormone crazed teenage boys. The me who continues to mother three daughters who lost a father, but are learning what a real dad is. The me that loathes playdoh crafts. The me who loves to cook. The me that is beginning to go on dates. The me that is a homeowner and wants to plant a garden, but kills all houseplants. The me who still fights with her family. The me who is perfectly imperfect full of scars who is willing to lift up her heart and be changed by a perfect God.
Categories: being new, being real, broken life, butterfly, changes, choices, crayon wrangler, death, development, emotional, faith, family, fear, happiness, healing, journey, lessons in life, life, motherhood, realization, relationships, suicide