Year Of The Crayon Butterfly

Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

It’s been a hard year and many times I have felt like that caterpillar. For those of you who have been following along through the years, you have seen all the changes. For years I was “Crayon Wrangler” and you know what? I miss her. The separation between my husband and I got very ugly and he stole the name from me using it to be vile and spread ugliness. I have never been able to regain access to those accounts. He stole it from me. He stole a lot from us.

I’m taking it back. It’s mine. It’s ME.

My posts over the past year have changed so much. Although I only wrote what was on my heart, I tried to focus on a reinvention of self. I had to. I lost who I was. I had been a wife, a mother, a divorcee, a single mother, a victim, a widow and a survivor. I had been crushed, weak, strong and enduring. Like that caterpillar, I thought the world was over. Then I began seeing that I had the choice to be a butterfly.

I had hid so much as “Crayon Wrangler.” The ugly marriage I was in. The abuse. I used my writing as a way to escape all of it and be me. Finding my writing voice again has been hard because I no longer need to write to escape. I get to pour my feelings out, my emotions, my tears and my laughs in my real life. They are no longer being swept under a rug. I’ve shaken out that rug and cleaned out the closets.

As the calendar year begins to change, so am I. Back to “Crayon Wrangler” antics. Back to silly vlogs. Back to writing stories and silly song parodies about the craziness that is parenting. Only difference will be being the real ME. The me that worries about failing. The me that loves photography. The me who can’t organize her closet to save her life. The me who wants my life to make a difference. The me that is beginning to step into the shoes of being a step-parent to 5 boys. The me that has never parented a teenager and their dramas, but now faces three hormone crazed teenage boys. The me who continues to mother three daughters who lost a father, but are learning what a real dad is. The me that loathes playdoh crafts. The me who loves to cook. The me that is beginning to go on dates. The me that is a homeowner and wants to plant a garden, but kills all houseplants. The me who still fights with her family. The me who is perfectly imperfect full of scars who is willing to lift up her heart and be changed by a perfect God.

Categories: being new, being real, broken life, butterfly, changes, choices, crayon wrangler, death, development, emotional, faith, family, fear, happiness, healing, journey, lessons in life, life, motherhood, realization, relationships, suicide

26 replies

  1. 🙂 big ole smiley face, Welcome Back!

  2. Lots and lots of applause for you.

    • There is my favorite red headed man!!! How has life been treating you? It’s been a while, but I’ve been keeping up with you on FB for the most part.

  3. Just like the caterpillar, you’re now out of the goo and sharing your new gorgeous self! I was fascinated to learn that the biology changes completely due to imaginal cells (yes, they’re really called that!) Isn’t life amazing?

    • Imaginal cells….Love it. Imagining what is possible. Doing what is possible. Life is truly amazing when you decide to show up and live it!

    • Sandi, thank you for directing me to this lovely post. And where/how do you find out things abut the biology of butterflies, like “imaginal cells”? You blow me away.

      Alycia, so wonderful to meet you. “The me who really wants my life to make a difference.” I identify so much with that statement. I can’t wait to get to know you better.

      • It is wonderful to meet you as well and I appreciate your comment. That whole making a difference thing is so daunting at times, yet so possible when you realize that it doesn’t have to be big to make a difference to someone.

  4. I am so ready and so ready for you to take back all the amazing things that make you…you!!!! I feel so lucky to have you in my life….so blessed to have a friend in you. Bring it on girlfriend…you are going to be truly amazing at whatever is coming! Xoxo

  5. And to that, my friend, I say, “Congratulations & AMEN!!” Love you!!

  6. I like you all of the time. I am glad you are learning to like yourself now too little butterfly!

  7. God bless you and your Christmas season… Be yourself love God and your family.
    Bless you and your family…. smile..

  8. So glad the time has come for you to reclaim it all … every little piece makes you the wonderful woman that you are. I am so happy that I know you, and so very proud to call you a friend.
    Bring on your amazing talent, dazzle us with your creativity …
    Spread your wings … and fly …

  9. I’m so glad that you are back. I like the imperfectness of you. It matches the imperfectness of me. Here’s to the Crayon Wrangler! Here’s to taking it back and being yourself!

    Thank you for a beautiful year. You’ve inspired me so much, made me reach beyond my borders, and look beyond that box.

    So does this mean the portapotty is coming back out? 😉

  10. No matter the you that is writing, I love her! Even all the way back to the middle school you…xoxo

  11. CW….feels good to type those letters and think of you…again…but new. Take it back and run with it…can’t wait to see how you soar!

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