Found this old self portrait while I was trying to find a picture to describe how I feel right now.
First of all I am on no sleep. It’s been weeks since I can honestly say I have slept well and now I am on the “One Step” rule.
One step in front of the other, little movements forward…yet, I feel I get no where. I am exhausted with the effort of everything that seems to need to be done at once. I can’t do it all. I have friends who have offered to help, but there is nothing they can really do. It’s all on me now. That apparently how Dan wanted it. It’s the legacy he decided to leave me.
I’m exhausted. I feel abandoned. I feel angry.
A lot of times it is like I have picked a dandelion out of a vast yard. 60,000 more spring up in its place and there is just no hope of having a nice, manicured lawn again.
I need stability. I need to feel like I have some kind of control over what is about to happen. I don’t even know what is about to happen, but I do know one thing…I have absolutely no control over that next step.
The bills are really starting to roll in from Dan’s trip to the ER. Everyday they find something new to send me. Some new piece of gory information of what steps they tried to take to save his life. Someone in the billing department has marvelous description skills at what they performed in the ambulance, on scene and in the ER. Wish I could call them and tell them I am a visual reader and please be as brief as possible.
I’m finally spiraling out of the control that I had for the past few weeks. I am realizing this is my life and I don’t know what to do with it. I’m scared and feel so very small.
I was strong. I was a rock…but now that rock is chipping away a little at a time. What is left behind is not very pretty. I’ve learned I have to allow myself at least 6 times a day that I lock myself in the bathroom and weep. It’s self pity, it’s uncertainty and I can’t bear to pick up anymore pieces.
I am hurting.
I’ll keep taking those “one steps” because its all I can do. It’s the one thing that I can do for today. My focus today is to go spend the three hours required at the Social Security Administration office. I tried to do it yesterday, but Isabella crashed and is convinced that her head hurts so she is dying. “Just like Daddy”…She stayed up all night waiting to die. Waiting to freeze in motion and worried about me putting her in the ground.
I’m crushed. The pain coursing through my body is worse than any physical agony I have ever endured. I am hurt and broken.