That was then. This is now.

Dear Dan,

This will be my last note to you on my blog. I had a horrible night last night and felt the weight of the world on me.

That was then. This is now.

Now I will walk my own path. Alone. That’s how you wanted it, but I’m not truly alone.

I will do the very things that make me happy and make our children laugh.

I will watch Beaches and not brush away the tears for fear of being made fun of.

I will go to my friends and families houses, because unlike you…I crave the contact.

I will waste my money on Christmas decorations, birthday cakes and decorations of every holiday.

I will wear my heels and skirt and will dance in the light of this life.

I will not blame you leaving us for all of our problems, I will solve the problems left behind and create something wonderful.

That was then, but I am living life NOW.

I now realize that anything, anybody can be gone in an instant. Even I…in an instant “Poof”

I will be kinder than normal, I will leave bigger tips for waiters, I will kiss more often, I will read that 18th bedtime story. I will acknowledge that those who I deal with every day may be fighting bigger demons than I can see and I will offer my friendship at every chance.

That was then, this is now.

Dan,

For 15 years we shared a life together. We had many laughs and I shed many tears. Your hold on me was too strong to break and I gave up a lot of life. I am thankful that through this tragedy…you spared me and our beautiful girls. We have a lot of repairing to be done, but we are strong and we are living. I will miss the Dan of the old days. The one that can make me laugh in an instant. The wit. The intellect. I however do not miss the Dan who lost his mind and had no regard for his wife and children.

I will always love you in a part of my heart, but the part of my heart that loves the most is loving life. Goodbye Dan. May you have found peace.

That was then….LIFE is now.

 



Categories: Uncategorized

7 replies

  1. I love you. You are an incredibly loved and beautiful woman. Just thought you should know that.

  2. You are so incredibly resilient, I am so glad that you have chosen to live! This decision is going to have such an amazing impact on the lives of your chidren, when they look back on this dark time they will remember their father, but they will see you and the dedication you have to creating the best life for all of you.

    I’m so proud of you đŸ™‚

  3. “I will acknowledge that those who I deal with every day may be fighting bigger demons than I can see and I will offer my friendship at every chance.”

    This is what I have been doing the last two years. Bad things teach us things and for me this is one of the things I learned.

    Alycia I will pray for you always.

  4. Dan loved you and the girls more than anything. His decision to end his life was because he felt he wasn’t getting you back and he would have rather died than live without you all. I’ve known you both for several years yet never saw dan weak, never saw dan cry until you left. His heart was broken, his life was shattered and he did all that he knew to do to win you back. He tried, he talked to me for hours and would just cry b/c he wanted his Alycia and baby girls back. Alycia, I know you are having a hard time right now and I’m sure you are very confused with mixed emotions but I do want for you to know that even during all of this Dan never spoke bad of you. He continued on telling me how funny you were, how beautiful you were, how you were so talented. He wanted things to be back to how they were but only better. I stood by his side the best I could, and tried to assure him to Give it to God and that He would take care of it. I told him You’d come back home one day and to focus on making himself the best he could be for you and the girls. I do believe he was trying to do that but emotion took control and he gave in to the easy road. I’m very sorry that you are going through this and am thankful that you have many people to help hold you up right now. I hope that you know that Dan didn’t do what he did b/c he didn’t love you or the girls, that he didn’t think you were worth fighting for, that he didn’t want to spend the rest of your days with you and his babies. Dan wasn’t always there for you all, and I’m sure he spent many hours regretting that, but I do know that the countless hours he was working for you all it was for your future. He put too much value on money and not enough on his family time. I will always care about you and the girls, and you will always be in my thoughts. We have been through a lot in the past several years and you helped pick me up when I was down, helped me stand strong when I wanted to faint. I have understood so much more about you in the past few months. I have realized that it wasn’t you that decided to avoid friends, it wasn’t you that didn’t want to go to lunch, or go to the park. I have realized that you lived in fear, and you lived protecting his image to your family and friends. I admire you for always trying to make sure noone knew what was going on even though you did share a little with me. I sincerely apologize for not trying to help and not realizing then how severe it was. The lightbulb incident should’ve told it all but I was too blind. I wish you great happiness and great success. You are going to be soooo strong from this and I’m sure you have learned so much already. I know that the roads you are facing have to be going in several different directions and that you will choose the right road. Remember, it’s your decisions now. Noone else can make those for you. If you don’t want to be cleaning windows at 7 am 9 months pregnant you don’t have to, if you want to eat fast food instead of cooking you can, you don’t have to worry about being yelled at for not having laundry ironed. Aly, I have great memories of you and I and I will never forget them. The issues that you and I have had in the past I now look back and wonder if we had help with those issues being created so that you weren’t going anywhere, didn’t have any friends? HMMM I am sure you are standing strong and doing the best that you can. I wish I was there, and wish that I could hug those precious little girls. I have dreamt about them, My heart aches for you and them. I hope you can find peace and not let this haunt you for the rest of your life. You deserve to start really living, laughing and enjoying life and your baby girls that you wanted o so bad.

    With Sincere apologies I close this, You are in my thoughts, prayers and Heart.

    Hugs!

  5. I am new to your blog and was pulled in from a mutual facebook group we are in. I came to your blog to read about your experience with your husband’s suicide. I purposely searched your blog for your husband’s name so I could start at the beginning of your “journey” with his loss. I am currently about four posts in and I sit here with tears in my eyes feeling like I have to share. Your words, your feelings – you put words to what I feel, but felt it was never appropriate to say, none the less put in writing. My grandfather completed suicide in May 2009. I know it is not the same as your story, but I do not have a wonderful childhood and my grandfather was more of a father to me than anyone, but he definitely had his demons. This post in particular hit so close to home because of the hold, lock and restrain he had over our family – my grandmother, his children (well, some of them who were too weak to pull away from his grasp and control), his grandchildren. He was a power hungry, controlling beast who fought his own demons and took his own life. And while I have never been able to share the words or feelings, I feel like you hit the nail on the head. As much as I love my grandfather, he did have demons. And as much as I wish he did not make the choice he did, I see that lives are being lived fully because of his choice. There is no longer restraint. While I may not be making sense at this point as I babble, I want to say thank you for sharing your story and not hiding behind what is right or wrong, but being true to your emotions and feelings and sharing so people who have experienced similar experiences can feel calm and okay knowing that what I want to say or feel is okay because this is now.

    • Leila,

      First I am sorry for the unnecessary loss you had.

      Thank you for sharing, for being brave and none of it was babble, but confirmation that we all need to know we aren’t alone in our hurt.

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