12 days

Dear Dan,

It’s only taken me 12 days to start breathing again. 12 days to get life back into some kind of resemblance of order. Well, OK…it’s not really in order (if never really was) but I’m not feeling like a tweaked out meth head. OK…lie again. Sometimes I am.

I got your medical bill yesterday from where they took you to the hospital. Looking at the charges, I will never doubt about the fact that they did everything to save you.

This is really going to piss you off…

I.

Am.

Laughing.

Again.

My motto was always “A day without laughter is a day wasted” and there for a week…I wasted my days. I almost let my giggle go into the ground with you…but it’s here with me. Keeping me company as well as the voices in my head (ok…they aren’t really voices, just merely suggestions I choose not to act on)

I feel a small point of guilt to laugh and crack jokes. Like I should still be the mourning widow. But lets face it…a sorrow look and drab black garb never really suited me. Our life as a couple bound in marriage was almost over. We would have always loved each other…but life sucked. Apparently more for you than it did for me. For that I am sorry. Sure wish you could have reached out to someone, anyone.

Girls are still having hard moments, but through the loving nature of some of our friends they are spending the nights with their little friends. Annie got to feed and water horses this morning. She was in absolute heaven I am sure. Isabella is very clingy and can’t let anyone out of her sight without going into a meltdown. Gracie has begun calling for you, but she is still so young I don’t know if she calling for you or just repeating a word that she knows. I am hoping it is the latter, because the other two are hard enough to deal with.

One of my friends has offered to step in and play the “father” role for Annie at school for when she has Daddy/Daughter things. (This is where in my head I am screaming and calling you every foul name I can think of; plus making up some new ones) I’m so glad that someone thinks so much of my daughters that they are willing to step in where you have failed them.

As my dearest friend put it…I have the dress, I have the shoes, I have some sexy legs….I am going to get back to dancing in this life. I am going to laugh. I am going to make crude jokes that being put on hold with the Dell help desk makes me want to shoot myself in the head and I will not feel guilty for it. I will not chastise friends when they joke about how they just wish their husband’s will disappear…I might just sit down and help them come up with ideas of how to ship them to Timbuktu. That’s who I was and that’s who I will be.

12 days seems like not much time, but when you are lost inside yourself. 12 days was an eternity.

 

 



Categories: Uncategorized

5 replies

  1. with every single post I see you emerging again, life will never be the same again but you are going to get through this and so will the girls.

    You are NEVER lost inside yourself as long as you have people around you, and you my friend have all the support you need, always.

    xo

  2. Good for you. Welcome back. I still mean what I said. And I totally busted my ass dusting the fan the other day. It made me think of you. And smile. I miss you.

  3. Oh i am praying, I remember wondering if i was allowed to laugh, would someone think i was being anti respectful or something.

  4. I meant to comment yesterday, but I got busy so I apologize. I’m so happy to see you are finding some light in your shadows. Much love, my friend.

  5. I think you are amazing. In every literal sense of the word. I look at your picture…. and wish there was something more I could do or say. The “say” part gets me…because unlike you, writing was never a talent I was blessed with. I’m not comparing…not ever. So please do not think that…but I can identify with your life on SO MANY levels. I read about your daily pain and then read about your daily STRENGTH and it just f’ing amazes me. It seems you have more strength then even I do at the lowest point even of MY life…and for that I truly think the world of you. You’re strength and perserverence is beyond WORDS – inspiring. It might sound corny, but I look up to you and respect you tremendously.

    ~Catherine Rojas (who will always remember you by being one of her very first, true photog. buddies)

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