Dear Dan pt.3

Dear Dan,

So I became a member of your site so I could thank certain people who were being very kind in the memorial and then I stumbled upon these pearls…

She seems to like to shit on her ex, even in death

I read everything she wrote in the 1st letter and I had made a comment to the fact that she is putting him under buss with those comments and now this…After read this blog which supposed to be anonymous blog to “talk” to you. However pretty much anybody can read what she writes.

Honestly some of it I would considered to be – what would be the right term be – unnecessary / griping / etc……

First of all…I made it clear that I was not doing this anonymously. I was owning what happened. What he did, What I did.

Secondly…unnecessary/griping/etc….maybe I am, maybe your are right. But in my current state of life, I have two words for you…”BITE ME!”

As far as throwing him under the bus…Um…he did this to himself. His ultimate choice. I have the right to my feelings so once again…”BITE ME!”

*Edited to add – I understand where these people are drawing their conclusions. Dan was a certain way to certain people and said certain things that have made these people doubt me and hate me. I get it. I get their anger. I get their accusations. HOWEVER…I don’t need you throwing any extra dirt on this grave.

In balance of such hateful pain from people who didn’t know us (because I know you would kick his butt for talking to me like that)  though…I received this letter (some names and stuff are changed) After reading this I asked her if I could share it on my blog and with you. She said “Yes”…so I wanted to show you that even in your bad times…you touched someone, who then reached out and touched me…

Dear Alycia,

We have never met before, but I knew Dan since Fall 2008 while living in XXXXXXXXX, TN.  He was our pest control guy while he worked at XXXXXXX.
Dan and I became very great friends while I lived in Sparta, and I have grown to love him as one of my closest and dear friends.  I live in Texas now, since 2010.  I looked up to him almost like he was a father figure for me.  I friended him on facebook, about 1 week before he left us.  He added me and then unadded me.  I didn’t bother to question him, I just figured it was an accident.  My lazy self  never went back for the “Add Friend” request.  I just let it float there.  I was completely oblivious to the event this past weekend.  Sunday evening, I was at the local diner studying and decided to go to his page to add him again.  While surfing his profile, I stumbled across your facebook and read what had happened.  I want to say that, even though I have never met you, I feel that I love you already.  My heart and spirit reaches out to you and the girls.
I booked a flight Sunday night to come to the funeral.  My flight landed in Nashville at 9am and I made it out to funeral home, but I was 5 minutes late.  I saw a casket being loaded but it didn’t even occur to me that it was him inside.  I put my heels on and ran into the home looking for his name.  When I found the room in the back, the staff was already cleaning up.  They told me they had just loaded him and would be bringing him to the cemetery.  As I ran back outside, everyone for Dan’s funeral was already gone.  No one could give me the proper directions to the cemetery so I just stopped at a corner stand that was selling hot dogs.  Luckily, the man I asked for help was the sheriff, but I still got lost even after he told me how to get there.
I had drove around for 30 minutes, lost in that small town, driving out to XXXXX or whatever it was.  I thought the cemetery service would already be over, so I turned my car around to do back tracking to drive directly to XXXXXX.  Well, then I found the cemetery where he was.  There was 6 people still there.  A couple with a small baby, an older couple and what seemed to be their daughter along with them.  I didn’t approach anyone, because well, no one that attended would have known me.  That would seem strange, right?  A young Chinese girl at your husband’s funeral.  And really, I went out there just to simply pay my respects to him and to your family.  It’s a long ways from TN to TX, but Dan has brought me out from the darkest times of my life, saving my spirit, and bringing me back to Christ while I lived in TN.  Had it not been for his guidance, who knows what path I would have chosen for myself.
I wish I had mailed you sooner, to say that I would be coming out there, but I didn’t know how to approach you or the subject.  I know it’s not right to apologize for Dan’s actions but truly and deeply, I am sorry for the selfish act and damage and pain that has been caused to you and your family.  I wish that as a friend, I had kept in contact with him.  Sometimes, a conversation can really lift a burden, even temporarily, it still provides a light at the end of the tunnel.
I don’t know if you have been back to the cemetery since Monday, but if you have, did you find a cigarette butt that was planted beside the flowers on his grave?  That cigarette butt was mine.  Don’t think of it as litter, but I had forgotten to buy flowers and I felt obligated to leave something with him.
Dan and I would always stand outside the restaurant and just chain smoke, talking about everything and anything.  He was my smoke buddy lol.  I remember when he told me he was going to try to quit with Chantix, he spoke about having nightmares from the medication, but he never went into details of it.  It only made sense to place the butt in the ground with him.
Dan wanted me to meet you.  He always spoke of how intelligent, beautiful, and artistically talented you are.  He always talked about how much he loved his daughters, and how he was glad that your third pregnancy was a girl.  He would say “Me have a son? God can you imagine that? If I had a son, I would be so rough and tough on him.  I would teach him how to be a man!”  I know that he loved and treasured you and your children.  He said he would talk about me with you and how we should all get together and have a double date.  Did he ever say this? lol.  I would have loved to have met you and I’m sorry I never took the opportunity to do so in the past.
You’re on my mind every day and I just pray that God wrap you with his love and mercy.
Love you,
XXXXXXXX
See Dan…You were special. You were worth LIFE and LIVING.
The hate mail and questions are indeed wearing me down to the point of anger. I so rarely get there, but to have people say these things about me…OUCH. But with all the painful accusations and belittling…this is only a sample of the people who have shared stories with me and told me of your good. THAT is why I keep writing to you…Oh, and because I am still a little pissed at you and writing is my therapy. (Yeah…YOU…I know what you said and once again…BITE ME!)


Categories: Uncategorized

7 replies

  1. Alycia – I wish I had words to help you. Please don’t listen to the hatemongers. They have no idea what you are going through. You are entitled to express your feelings and you do it so eloquently. I wish I could help you in some way. May the good Lord put his arms around you and your children.

  2. Alysia, I’ve just read all of this and I’m horrified. I held my breath all the way through. After all you’ve been through, to have to deal with this? It’s not right. I’m so sorry.

    You are such a beautiful person and it shows in these letters. Your writing shows your strength and your huge heart and an ability to love that those who send you hate mail cannot see.

    I’m holding you and your family in my heart and wishing you peace.

  3. What a beautiful letter at a time when you need it most. I’m glad that you are not letting people stop you from doing what you need to do. And? Whoever said no one was allowed to gripe about life? Life is a {worthwhile} pain in the ass quite often. Hell yeah, I’ll gripe and you should be able to do it, too.

    I am glad that so many are reaching out to you right now, and wrapping you in love.

    ~The Drama Mama

  4. We must remember who we are in Christ. You are a wonderful mother and photographer.
    Remember people love you… Prayers for you and the girls.

  5. I don’t know if the person who wrote the first letter will ever see this, but I certainly hope they do. Having been married to an abusive man, I can tell you right now, just because they seem like sweetness & light when you see them, does NOT mean they’re that way at home. My ex was the most personable man in front of company, and his friends, and our church. Behind the scenes was a whole other ball game. You didn’t live in Alycia’s shoes, you don’t know what she went through, and you have absolutely no right to make claims that she’s crapping on her ex. She’s not throwing anyone under the bus.
    I know people like to claim that you shouldn’t speak ill of the dead, but let’s be real. If the person had problems, death didn’t change that. And not that I’m putting her ex in the same category as the following people, but there’s plenty of dead people we speak ill of on a daily basis. Hitler. Stalin. The people who took out the towers. Her ex passed away under tragic circumstances, there’s no doubt of that. But it doesn’t change the person he was, before he passed.
    Alycia, if you need me, call me. Hang in there, and don’t let the jerks grind you down.

  6. what a treasure to keep, I am so glad you got this letter. Praying for you.

  7. Alycia,
    Wow there are some people who have some brass big ones. I can not believe that they could say anything about you when you were the one to go through the crap not them. How dare they say the mean and hateful things like that. What if the shoe were on the other foot. You warned them before they started reading. I will say that what you are doing is the right thing for you. I have suffered loss before (my mom passed away 10 years ago to cancer. It was very unexpected) They way I dealt with it is the same only I used my journal. Don’t worry about what others think just worry about you and your girls that is all that matters now. BTW it really sounds like Dan did some wonderful things for others thank-you for sharing that. I hope that you are able to make a book for your girls to read about that later it would be nice for them to see and know that about their dad.
    Kay-Lynn

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