Dear Dan – p.2

*Reader please be aware that I am not disparaging my husband in these writings. I am entitled to my feelings as you are to yours. I ask that you show me the same respect that I would you. If you don’t like what you read, click the close button. If you have further questions, my email can be found in the about me section.

Dear Dan,

I got up at 4am because sleep just won’t come to me anymore. Our family doctor gave me something to help me sleep, but medicine is not what I need right now. The girls are mostly sleeping fine. They wake often to murmur or cry in their sleep, but I am right there for them. Rubbing heads and soothing hearts. I promise them tomorrow will be a better day…because I will do everything I can to make it. They deserve to believe that it will get better each day. I need to believe it too.

My sister leaves tomorrow to go back home. It will just be me and the girls, but then again it won’t. Hundreds of people are holding us right now.

I got an email from the conference that you wanted me to go to yesterday. You paid my ticket because you wanted me to finally get the stupid book finished and published. I don’t know that I will go. It seems almost wrong to go. Yet…why shouldn’t I follow my dream. I will do everything I can to not allow my dreams to die with you. I’m also considering going back to school. I know you said it was foolish and that all I would ever be was a mom, but screw you…I can do whatever I want now. I want to work in the NICU because of Isabella. Watching her in there and now seeing her totally healthy…that’s where I want to be. I want to rock the babies that are struggling. I know what struggling is and I want to be a comfort to their parents that their child is in good hands.

I’ve begun starting to sell some of your stuff. It’s because I have to. I feel a slice go down my heart every time I do it though. I know how much you loved these things, but I have no choice. I wish I had a choice. Thanks a lot for leaving me no choice. I stare at the wedding ring on my hand knowing I have to sell it as well. On this I will wait until I have no choice. I twirl it absentmindedly like I always did. I know my fidgeting always bothered you and if you were here you would be telling me to sit still and quit. I can almost hear it in my head. But no words can be heard, so I am going to keep twirling. It’s my right.

One of your friends has been in contact with me from your old forum you used to participate in. You have an enormous amount of people who want to write letters to your daughter attesting what a good man you were. There are many who are willing to contribute to a trust fund for them. Numbers of them have expressed if they had only knew, maybe they could have done something. You and I know you would never have reached out. Your pride, your fear of someone knowing you were weak. There was nothing that they could have said to heal you. This man, your friend and now mine…has listened to my heart. His words of comfort have provided exactly what I need. He has organized these letters so that when your daughters are old enough to understand what you did and they are going to feel so much turmoil…they will have these letters that show them that you mattered to people. That you helped others when you couldn’t help yourself. That you were capable of loving on so many, even though you hated yourself. I hope these letters will comfort them and let them know that you were not a bad man. I hope that they always love and forgive you as I have.

Your painting that you begged me to finish still sits on my easel. Unfinished. It looks almost finished, but there were touches you wanted put on it that I hadn’t done. I can’t finish it. It’s almost like its my way of showing you how angry I am. Just as that painting will remain unfinished…so was your life here on earth. I will hang it near the one that I had finished of the mother and child that you had wanted so bad that you begged to buy it. I wish I had given that one to you now, but it was so dear to me and you had already taken so much from me. These paintings are my soul, I just couldn’t let you have it after all we have been through. Yet, now the unfinished one will hang as a reminder of your life. How something could just be stopped and left unfinished.

I’m going to start another painting today. While at your graveside, I couldn’t bear to stare at your casket. Instead I stared past it at the most beautifully created elm tree. If you had sat beside me, I would have pointed it out to you. You would not have seen the beauty in the crooked limbs and leaning trunks, but you would have looked and probably just laughed at me. That tree will be burned in my memory as well as the preacher who kept trying to tell me that you were in a better place. I was so furious that he said that. “BETTER PLACE?” No. The better place would be being here for your daughters, but you chose your life over theirs. I will paint that elm tree with the children sitting under it. Perhaps they will be having a tea party in the painting. A way of showing that under the shelter of the strong, their lives will continue and tea parties are precious.

I listen to this song constantly now. It gives me comfort.

Categories: Uncategorized

12 replies

  1. Wow, I just can’t imagine what it takes to write these letters, I am emotionally spent just reading them I don’t know how to give you comfort and that is what I want to do so badly. I am normally so good at those words but I find myself mute with sympathy.

    I am just glad that you are writing the letters and I would love if you shared that picture of the elm tree when it’s finished …I would feel blessed to see it. Xoxo

  2. Oh Alycia. What a beautiful song. I can hear the comfort it gives.
    Although this is seen and quoted oft, I feel it says it so well
    My life is but a weaving between my Lord and me;
    I cannot choose the colors, He worketh steadily,
    often times He chooseth sorrow and I in foolish pride
    forgets He sees the upper and the underside.
    The dark threads are needful in the weavers skillful hands
    as the threads of gold and silver in the pattern He has planned;
    not until the loom is silent and the shuttle cease to fly
    will God unroll the canvas and explain the reason why.
    “Auther Unknown”
    While no one may yet understand, your anger and sorrow and pain are understandable,
    I am deeply moved by your intention to leave the painting unfinished.
    I did not know you painted, though it ought not be a surprise to me. Your to ability to capture life through lense and words is remarkable, and so why not in other ways. Undoubtably your masterpeices will be your daughters. Weave them, and yourself a new life of wonder and joy. And peace.
    May I add that the poignancy of your words on A String of Pearls – published just a day before – is striking, and I hope you will return to read them.

  3. Follow your dreams girl, don’t let them die! God has a plan for you! You are such a great person, I love you!

  4. Being angry is part of the process you’re going through. Keep writing and telling him how you feel, I’m sure it’s helpful even if it’s just in a small way.

    Do follow your dreams. And paint that tree. Paint the HELL out of that tree.

  5. Oh man, I am so, so sorry. There is a wonderful community of people your age, waiting for you when you’re ready for us. Hundreds. Thousands. You won’t be alone.

  6. Go. Follow your dreams. Each and every one of them. With a mother as beautiful as yourself, your girls will also follow each of their dreams despite everything that has been taken from them. Your honesty. Your strength. (Not to mention your awesome sense of humor!!) YOU give ME hope!

  7. Follow your dreams… it will help you take care of the girls and yourself.
    Writing is good therapy. I have used it in times that I could not deal with things.
    Praying for you everyday.

  8. What a wonderful group of people to reach out to you and your children like that. You painted the description of the tree so well in your words I can see it, and your girls underneath it, toasting with little teacups, huge smiles on their faces.

    Your letters, while heart-wrenching, are beautiful. I hope the writing is helping you deal with all your emotions. I know that you continue to touch my heart every day with your words.

    Still keeping you and yours in my prayers.

    ~~The Drama Mama

  9. that son of a bitch. while his pain and agony are over, its just beginning for those precious girls. he had no right to hurt them like that. it is in imagining their pain, their heartache, their inconsolable grief that will follow them always, will make them ask why they werent worth enough to stay alive, that i find myself uncontrollably angry at dan. he had no right at all to rip their world in two. i can only thank god that they have a mama strong enough to lean on people and help her to take the shattered pieces of their lives and create something new. something beautiful from the ashes. you and those girls are loved fiercely a. when the darkness threatens to swallow you up, just reach out your hand. we’re here. we will always be here. i love you.

  10. I love that you are sharing your pain with others. That is very selfless and I applude you for it. My heart breaks for you. I know how it is to watch someone deal with their own depression and feel helpless about the situation. Knowing that whatever you tell them it is never enough. My husband is getting better. I also know how hard it is to have 3 little ones to take care of. My heart breaks for them too. I hope that you will find the peace that you and your daughters will need. I will say a prayer for your family. There was a quote I heard once that said ” You never know how strong you are until you have to be.”

  11. Dear Alycia, I cannot imagine what is in your heart, I cannot imagine the pain you are in. but know this I am praying and in my opinion you should be writting however you want without fear of anyone saying anything.
    Praying for you and these precious girls

  12. I don’t have any words.. other than I am sorry for you and your daughters, and the pain you are going through.
    And, I pray that people realize that you’re feelings are not to be challenged, and this your space, your outlet, and they can take their useless and harsh words elsewhere.

Most importantly...what did you think? Do you have questions and concerns or request for a certain post?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: