Dear Dan,

A friend had suggested I start an anonymous blog to “talk” to you (Meaning: do writing therapy and give you hell as needed) but I’m just going to put it out here in my real life. Moderation of comments is on, so all you big bad boys who wear girl panties that want to insult a grieving family…good luck with that, let me know how it turns out for you.

*Disclaimer: This is not going to be pretty or easy. Read at your own discretion.

Dear Dan,

Our death is not an end if we can live on in our children and the younger generation. 

For they are us, our bodies are only wilted leaves on the tree of life.  ~Albert Einstein

You have an outpouring of people who have wonderful memories of you and who are wanting to ease your childrens suffering. This alone is helping me put one foot in front of the other. I hope that wherever you are you realize the love being shown to your girls that you can’t provide any longer.

Your daughters are indeed suffering greatly. I can only thank you that for the past two weeks of being out of work, you choose to spend so much time with them. Their memories of you will be of a man who bought them new bikes, went swimming with them, bought puppies, played tag and suffered through hours of Dora to their delight. (Yeah, that Dora thing…could have had a great hand in what you did to yourself)

We spent hours yesterday going through all the photo albums and gathering every picture we could find of you to separate into three albums that they can carry around and talk to you. There weren’t that many pictures of you. I hope to go through some videos today and maybe you made a few more appearances there so the girls can hear your voice. I never got it with you and pictures. It wasn’t the paparazzi…it was making memories that could be revisited. There are so few. Thanks a lot for that, jerk.

Annie sleeps with your picture that was in that 8X10 frame. I check in on her and she’s clutching it even as she sleeps. She climbs in her closet and cries to you. Can you hear her pain? How could you not know that you were going to destroy such a tender heart?

We were renewing my Driver’s License yesterday and some kind lady remarked that Isabella must look just like her Daddy. All hell broke loose after they screamed and cried that their father was dead. That he was frozen (which is their term for rigor mortise that they have witnessed in countless frogs and fish that never survived being stuck in tupperwares or having their fins brushed with electric toothbrushes) They get death. They get your dead. When I see you in heaven I am going to kick your kneecaps…you’ve been warned.

As anyone who has been close to someone that has committed suicide knows, there is no other pain like that felt after the incident.
Peter Greene

I can’t even describe to you how I am feeling right now. I hope you heard me screaming at you in front of your casket, because you deserved to hear it. Sadly, I would gratefully receiving your looming rage in my doorway rather than sinking you in the ground. Yes, I wanted the abuse to stop, but at your hand of getting help…not actually by your hand.

My sisters collected some of your items yesterday for me. After seeing the carnage you left behind, I couldn’t go in there again. Kinda strange for being such an anal neat freak that you would leave that mess behind. I told them to leave the children’s clothes that were hanging right behind where you did it. The wonderful cleaning crew had taken them to the dry cleaners and they looked perfect, but I can’t bear to see them on the children knowing what was on them. I don’t understand how you could have possibly stood in the room that contained your children’s clothes and toys and not seen what you were leaving behind. That it couldn’t have made you pause for just a moment and consider your three girls.

Dan, even in light of the divorce; I loved you. I will always love you in a part of my heart that shared life with you for 15 years. Yet, right now…I am hating you. Hating you for what you left behind. How am I possibly supposed to provide for these kids. Not just financially; but emotionally. How does someone broken repair the broken?

Many blame me. I’ve received the anger voices, messages, etc. letting me know that they believe it was my fault. You know what though…regardless…this was your choice. YOUR FAULT. You pulled the trigger and made your choice. I know you were breathing and heart beating for a little while after you did it. I hope a few words crossed your mind…”OOPS” and “SORRY” I also hope you know I forgave you right then and begged God to show mercy on a man who was sick.

You left us nothing. Not a single blasted thing. Thanks for that. Thanks be to a God who loves me that he gave me a heck of a backbone, sense of humor and amazing family that is going to superglue this crap back together into something changed but so much more beautiful. I hope that you do look down on me and realize that I am amazing. That will stand firm in every storm, protect those that I can, sacrifice whatever I have to and I will be happy. I will continue to love life and laugh at its weirdness.

As much as I am hurting, haunted and sometimes broken down…I am alive and breathing life in deep.



Categories: Uncategorized

50 replies

  1. suicide is the most selfish act on the planet. i hope wherever dan ended up at he is able to see you – thriving and living in spite of your pain. may God wrap each of you in his arms and carry you.

  2. Cant really say anything that means anything at this point. Sorry doesnt do it. Im not much of a church person so i cant go there for you either. All I can really say is that Tracy and I are sad for you and the kids.

    • Scott, words don’t need to be said. Religion doesn’t have to be discussed. To know that Tracy and you are out there loving on us…good ’nuff.

  3. It has been so long since I’ve been able to visit you. I am so sorry that you having to go through this – and am thankful that you have the support of your family and friends (those you know and those of us out here in bloggy land who love you) to get you through the tough times. Life rarely ever makes sense so I can only hope you are able to make sense out of the remaining pieces. Much love to you and your beautiful girls!!

  4. i have to agree with brandy! there was no reason for this senseless act, and full blame belongs with him, and not with you at all… you are the one who has to be there to mend their broken hearts and keep life going on for your 3 girls… you are an amazing woman, and i am proud to call you friend! if you need anything, big or little, please don’t hesitate to call on us! we love you!!!!

    • Thank you netter. I know there will be some times coming up soon that I need a sitter while I tend some things. Thank you for loving me.

  5. Wow, what a powerful letter. I realize that me saying that I am sorry that you and your daughters are going through this but I am. No one should go through this pain. I heart breaks for your little family.

    I know of another absolutely amazing blogger who is going through something very similar and perhaps it might help for you two to connect. She is Australian and she is amazing, just like you. Her name is Lori from http://www.RRSAHM.com.

    Thinking of you and your girls.

  6. I have few words for you, my friend. I hope that for you and your girls that healing comes fast and easy. I hope that you’re able to start a new life and be happy.
    Remember we’re all here for you.

  7. The fact that you’re able to get these thoughts into something coherent is a testament to your strength, will and determination. You’ll fix the broken because you have to and because you won’t let your girls see you any other way, but I weep for what he has done to you, his girls and his friends. Know that you are loved, truly and deeply, by those of us who have known you for years and years. Dan’s suicide wasn’t your fault, although you don’t need me to tell you that. Love you tons and hope to get to give you a squeeze in person soon, but for now I’ll console myself with virtual hugs. xoxo

    • Virtual hugs will do although a real life one would soothe the soul. Thank you my childhood friend for continuing to stand by me and what you are doing to spread the word.

  8. It is amazing how even with everything going on you are keeping your since of humour. You are a great person, I second EVERYTHING Annexe said. I keep thinking of that song you posted a while back “Won’t Let Go” well now is our time as your friends to fulfill that. I love you girl and I think that the writing is a great idea!

  9. Wow! I have admired your strength many times over the last few turbulent months. Never more than now. Praying for peace for your girls and yourself. You live the words “keep strong and carry on.”

    • Don’t mistake what you think my strength is for what is actually a “have to”…I don’t want to be strong, I don’t want to have to carry on…Strength is what I just have to do right now, doesn’t mean I actually feel it.

  10. Praying for you and the girls. My husbands brother did a similar thing 10 years ago. It affect one of my sons terrible and other family members.
    You will make it through….You are strong…. We are praying for you….

  11. You are truly an amazing woman. Thank you for having the courage to share something so powerful. Your family will be in my thoughts.

  12. Many years ago I had a friend who killed himself. I remember how hard that was and can only imagine how much more intense it must be for you and the girls. To lose someone through suicide is sad, and it leaves behind such impact. I think of you often my friend and hope that time heals this wound.

  13. Your strength is amazing. My heart aches with you. I wish there was something I could do for you. The best I have to give you is my love, my prayers, and know that my heart is with you. I know its not the same, but, it is what it is.

  14. I can only imagine the pain you are going through. Especially seeing what this has done to your girls. This letter really does show how amazing you are though and I bet Dan is really kicking himself now. 🙂 I am praying for you guys daily.

    • Thank you Amy, and I know what you meant…but I hope he isn’t kicking himself. I hope he is at peace and somehow has no recollection of the pain here on earth.

  15. I went through a host of emotions reading this, sadness, anger, empathy, love, horror and at the end a bright light of hope and pride in you.

    I don’t know how you feel, I have no good words to give you that will make this different or better but what I can give you is something you have…my friendship, my shoulder, my ear and my deep sympathy for what this has done to you and your daugthers.

    There is nothing I would not do for you…..but for now you’re in my heart and in my prayers.
    xo

  16. As a person who has contemplated suicide in the past for my own depression I just wanted to offer my condolences. Hold your girls tight. They need to now and always.

    • Pamela, I know that dark place and I think we have all been there at some point where we think it will be easier. I suppose in a way it is….but I have been told countless stories by strangers who barely knew Dan and how he did touch their life with a small word or action. I hope you know that no matter how bad life seems to be; you matter. Please call me or email me if you would like to talk further.

  17. Alycia,

    I am sorry about your husband. I just heard last night and I was both deeply surprised and saddened to learn of his death. I was unaware that he was mentally ill and never expected him to reach this point. He helped me when I needed it and I’ll not forget his charitableness. Despite his illness, I know he was a good man at heart. I will miss him, and I hope you and your children can find peace. I know that Dan is in a better place now, and I’ll keep you and your children in my thoughts and prayers.

  18. Naysayers be damned…Alycia…it is your life, your story, and your truth; and you have a right to tell it. Never let anyone rob you of that. Having been your family and in the past HIS friend….words that fit are hard to form. I do feel profoundly sad that someone so young, so capable, with soooo much to live for…felt that this was his only option. However, HE made that decision, not you. I am even more profoundly saddened that he did such a thing (and all such hurtful things) to the only woman who EVER truly loved him (and his own children). Your daughters are his best legacy, and they will eventually shine in his memory…a living, ongoing testament to all the best parts of him.

    Time will eventually help to heal these wounds (and the others that were left). But know that people care, that you and what you feel matter, and that one day you will be better….you will be fine….and that you are already blessed. Please know I am praying for all of you, and I am here if you need me.

    God takes care of fools and babies Alycia…so I am confident Dan was forgiven, especially knowing that you asked for forgiveness for him. I have also asked the same in my prayers, as I am sure many have. God knew what he was suffering, and only God could truly understand. Have faith, and be strong.

    Your sister….

    • Rachel, I can’t express the impact that your words and kindness during this time has provided me. For you to reach out….I’m speechless.
      I will always love you my sister and would like to reconnect with you.

  19. Thank you for sharing that. Man — that was hard to read. I can’t imagine having to write it and live the pain that caused it to be written. I pray for you and your girls that you’re getting the help, love, and support needed to get through this impossibly complicated and difficult time. It may be the solitary benefit of Dan’s death is that someone desperate, alone, and hopeless will read your blog and reconsider the options. I know it’s a lamentation I will never forget.

    • Ed, Thank you for your kind words and understanding. I appreciate your prayers and indeed, if one person reads this and understands the ramifications of taking their own life as a way to ease their suffering on earth…it will ease the sting of his death a little more.

  20. Hi – I saw a link to your post on Facebook. I am so sorry to hear of your loss and the pain that you are feeling. I was a widow at 24 and want you to know it does get better. Our circumstances are different, but I do hope you have a supportive family to help you through.

  21. Alycia:
    Any words I write are so amazingly inadequate, but I do want you to know that this old childhood friend and his family have been lifting you and your blessed family up since we heard. We know without any doubt that you–Alycia–will be amazing and strong and wonderfully human through this. Emotions are messy things but all–I mean, ALL–are perfectly earned and blessedly felt. Peace is such a silly amorphous concept, but we are fiercely praying for you to have peace and to exude that peace to those precious girls. I know you will. (now, don’t think I mean” peace” as some flowery breezy singsong thing, I’ve learned that the best peace can be rough and tumble bareknuckled fightIng…God settles the dust in many ways…) know, dear old friend, that we stand imperfectly strong behind you lifting you all up in prayers and marveling at how God is blessing you in a time of devastation. Fight on, Alycia, you are not alone and are well armored!

  22. My heart is hurting for you and your precious girls. Dan made a choice, and you are not the one to blame. Suicide is a very selfish act that leaves nothing but saddness and confusion behind. Peter Greene said it well, there is no pain quite like the pain that is caused after someone you love has committed suicide, my family knows all too well. You are a strong lady with an amazing talent for writing and a great sense of humor. I am glad that Dan was unable to take those great things about you with him. You have great friends who will make an impact on your daughters lives and will remind them of all the good things about their daddy. I will continue to keep you all in my thoughts, please know that you are being held up in prayer by many people! Lots of love to you and your girls.

  23. The link to this blog was posted on my mom’s group on Facebook. As someone who made an “almost attempt” in 2005, my heart goes out to you. I call it an almost attempt because at the end I backed out and got medical attention to undo my mistake. My mom is an insulin dependent diabetic and I took a needle full of her most potent insulin. What saved my life that night was my 5 month old daughter. I picked her up to hold her one last time and I realized that I couldn’t leave her all alone in the world. Her father wasn’t in the picture by my choice. Since then I have learned to recognize when my biploar and depression are getting bad and to get help.
    I am so very sorry that your husband didn’t get the help that he needed. My middle brother was 15 when I came along so we weren’t very close but he committed suicide 16 years ago and it devastated my family. His parents (my dad and his ex-wife) blamed themselves, his widow blamed herself, and our oldest brother blamed himself when the real “at-fault” was the depression that overwhelmed his life. There were days when the pain and guilt my dad felt was so bad he wanted to die too but what good would that have done, ya know?
    You are a strong, courageous woman and you WILL get through. If the only reason you get out of bed some mornings is your girls, that’s enough.

  24. I dare not speak my mind as I am not nearly as forgiving as yourself. I am quite impressed by your spirit and your faith. Your children are better for being born to you. God loaned them to the right person, but I’m sure He already knew that.
    I’ll be sure to keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
    Keep writing lass. Get the pain and poison out of your heart, soul, and mind as best as you can.
    I’ll do my best to provoke laughter whenever possible… with as few serious momonts as possible.

  25. My brother in law killed himself this past weekend after a break up with my husbands sister. We have their two year old son here with us and I cant even imagine what we’ll tell him some day. I am so thankful for your post. Its so hard to experience this kind of thing, and yet Im not the mother/ex partner like you and my sister in law are. I am in awe of your strength. Thank you for putting some feelings of ours into words as well.

  26. I am truly at a loss for words. I knew that things were going sideways in your life, but I had no idea how bad things were for you. Healing thoughts to you and your daughters.

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