In Memories

I held my oldest daughter and tried so hard to be her rock as she screamed in fury that she no longer has a dad. I tried to explain she will always have him and he will always love her, but I am failing.

My heart broke into a million shards as I watched her younger sister kiss the picture of her dad on the nightstand and tell him how much she loved him and goodnight.

I crumpled into the floor at watching the baby as she happily toddles around with no clue what has happened and will never have a single memory of her father.

In Memories

This is all he left us.

Memories of a man who cried at the birth of each of his three daughters. Memories of a man who unselfishly gave his time and money to people he didn’t know that were in need. Memories of a man who taught the middle daughter how to finally pedal her bike after hours of failing. Memories of a man who would be there for his family at any time of the day or night to help when needed.

Dan was a man with a good heart, but had been struggling against personal demons of anger and depression. We tried to find solutions, we tried to have hope. Over the course of the past several months, Dan fought with all of his heart to turn to God and find peace. I believe that regardless of his actions, he has been welcomed home to a place where he will finally find a peace that he never knew here on earth. I do not believe that the man who took his life was the Dan of our memories. I do not believe that he even knew what he was doing. He loved his children and would have given them anything.

In the end we all lost and all we have are memories. Memories that we will hold onto to guide us through the years.

We are all lost right now. We have hurt, anger, fear, grief and emotions that we can’t even identify right now. Each day we will lean on each other a little more, find strength when we least expect it and learn how to be a family bound in memories.

Categories: Uncategorized

17 replies

  1. My heart breaks for you and your children.

    Those photos show his love so well.

    Your family is in my thoughts and prayers, Alycia.

  2. Oh A, my heart just breaks for you and the girls. Im praying for you. It doesnt seem like its anywhere near enough, but its all I know to do. I love you.

  3. I am so very sorry for the loss that you and your girls have suffered. I am keeping you all in my thoughts.

  4. I am loving you so much right now, sweet friend, and loving your sweet, beautiful girls. They are so blessed to have you as their mommy, and I know you will lead them through this with the grace, wit and wisdom I have always admired so in you. May the Lord bless your thoughts as you search for the words to tell your babies how much their daddy loves them. *hugs* to you, Annie, Gracie and Isabella. xoxo

  5. I can’t think of a single word of comfort, but I do know that time is a great healer. Strength comes in each passing moment. My heart is overwhelmed at the thought of how difficult this must be. I will continue to pray for you and your family.

  6. I love you. and your girls. (((hugs)))

  7. Alycia – I do not have the words for you. I will pray hard for you and your girls. I am so sorry for your pain.

  8. Alycia, you and your family are in my thoughts and in my prayers. My heart is breaking for your children and their loss. I am so sorry this is happening to your family.

  9. I have no words of comfort for you, only tears that fall from your pain. I hold your family in my heart and in my prayers. This is such a beautiful post.

  10. Oh Alycia, I have not stopped thinking of you since this weekend,tears spilling before I even know it I’m crying and sending love to you.

    I have no words, I really don’t, but I do know that if you need me, I’m here.

    This was a beautiful tribute to Dan and those pictures are so touching. Please know I’m holding you in my heart as you grieve your loss.

    Many many hugs and lots of love and comfort to u my friend

  11. It’s harder when they are young and all they want to do is point the blame toward someone. Time heals. Unfortunately, time drags on. My thoughts are with you.

  12. I am so sorry… my heart is breaking for you and your family… you all are in my prayers.

  13. oh how i wish i could scream with you, scream for your girls. love and hug you and the girls. but for now all i can do is get on my knees and ask the true healer to bring you comfort. praying dear friend

  14. I’m so sorry, Alycia! So so sorry!

  15. I’m so sorry. I am sure he is now at peace. Much love to you, your children and all your family who are hurting.


  16. A psycologist told me not to long ago that time really does not heal the pain we feel, but it does eventually change the feelings into something that becomes a bit more manageable as the days progress to weeks and the weeks progress to months and the months finally move on into years. I am hoping that yours will change for your and my sweet second cousins into something that can be remembered in the happier times and not the last few tragic days. That is what we try to focus on here too. Now granted it does not always work, but in the wonderful song by Lyle Lovett, “what would we be if we didn’t try? we have to try” and I know you will try everyday to make the best of things for you and those sweet little girls. And as always we will love to be a part of it whenever we can.
    All our Love and Prayers,
    Davi, Brian, Emma, Maggie and Maeve

  17. I am so very sorry to hear this. What a tragic thing, this loss of a father for such young children. My heart goes out to you and your babies..

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