Anger is something new for me to express and apparently quite distressing for those around me. Funny thing…I could care less. After lashing out at the soon-to-be-ex tonight, he expressed concern that this wasn’t normal and “was I suicidal?” I actually wanted to roll with laughter. Are you kidding me?
Is me acting on my anger really that uncharacteristic of me?
Actually it is.
I’ve spent the past decade doing the best I could to hide any negative feeling for fear of “disrupting the household.” I’ve held my tears in until it was convenient and wouldn’t cause anyone any distress.
The dam finally broke and while its painful, it feels really good.
I was talking to one of my oldest friends late into the night last night. She’s been through a divorce and was telling me that the hardest part for her was sleeping and eating alone. That’s what caused the crack to finally happen. See, I am used to that. I haven’t shared my bed with anyone except my oldest daughter for the better part of three years. I’ve eaten most of my meals alone except for rushing to put a dinner on that I didn’t even want to comply with someone else’s timing. Because of the demands within the house, friendships were severed and only the online world was my friend. My children became the only ones who would kiss me goodnight or greet me when I woke up.
That’s when I got mad. Very mad.
Why did I continue to live like that? Why did I just accept that I was lonely as I drifted off to sleep? Back then I went through every rationalization possible and finally settled on the one that rang the truest to me. I simply wasn’t worth any more than that.
In my anger I have decided that I was wrong. I am worth more than that. I deserve a kind word even if the house wasn’t clean to expectation. I deserve a gentle touch even when someone is angry. I deserve to be cherished even if there seems to be something more important to occupy the mind. My creative side is important even if it was deemed to have no practical value. My personal morals and values are too important to compromise to just keep the peace.
I honestly and very literally don’t care anymore if there ever is someone who feels that way about me. The only part that matters to me is that I now know that I deserved better.
I honestly and very strongly don’t care if everyone knows I am furious. I wouldn’t direct it at anyone in particular, but I now have no qualms with answering my phone and saying, “LEAVE ME ALONE!” when I’ve made it clear that I wish to be alone by a certain person. I will no longer have a pause before I let someone know they have crossed the line. I will gather my children around me and love them with a fierceness that better never be challenged.
I feel very angry and that strange hidden emotion for me feels very good.
*** By the way: Whoever this is:
|16 May||21:06:45||Firefox 4.0||WinVista||unknown||Shreveport,
|Bellsouth.net (220.127.116.11) [Label IP Address]|
You can quit trying to leave me comments about how worthless you think I am and how the world would be better if I killed myself. thankyouverymuch.
Your IP is now being blocked.