Just as babies progress through developmental milestones, so do mommies. The following is a comprehensive list of the Standard Mommy Milestones through age 2.
2 weeks –
When a mommy has hit the Functioning Zombie milestone, she has achieved the ability to appear and function totally normal in a half awake/half asleep stage. The mommy can perform basic tasks but months from now she will have no memory of these tasks. This milestone is usually brought on by around 2 weeks of little to no sleep. The shuffling foot movements and drooling is usually a good sign that the milestone has been achieved.
4 months –
Mommy seems to be a bit more rested and at peace with being a mommy. The child the mommy is attending is now social but not mobile, giving mommy a break before the next round of chaos hits. Mommy is this milestone appears to be very happy and may even laughingly talk about another baby, since this “Mommy Business” is so easy.
8 months –
Mommy is probably back to the Zombie movements and has a pamphlet in her purse about birth control. Baby is now putting mommy through the mill with being both mobile and probably beginning to teeth around this time. Mommy is constantly “throat sweeping” the baby, putting cords up high, searching the carpet for pennies, applying Ora-Gel to baby, yanking on her waistband of the pants the baby keeps pulling down and feeling nauseated from the strained pea casserole that she tried before she was going to feed it to the baby.
1 year –
Mommy is past the Zombie movements, but is now caring for a walker/talker. Mommy may have developed an eye twitch and a jumpy nervous condition that comes from hearing “babababababa gagagagagagag” for at least 5 hours straight at any time. She has also perfected the baseball “sliding in the home” movement for catching a toddling child before it falls and pulls over the china cabinet. During this milestone, mommy is sharp and always on her toes. She is ready to move in a moments notice.
2 years –
Mommy can be identified by pulled out hair, gritted teeth and a look that says “I dare you to say anything” These are the moms who are accompanied to all retail areas by a tiny being that is screaming “NOOOOO” and rolling around on the floor. Moms in this milestone appear to have lost all sense of humor and sanity. During this milestone it is very important to never tell the Mommy that it will eventually get better. After a screaming fit about which shoes to wear, what shirt is OK and that they can’t have chocolate and marshmallows on their PBJ sandwhich; mommy is not going to believe you that it will ever get better.
What milestones do you feel all moms go through during these years or the next years?