Mommy Milestones Up To Two Years

Just as babies progress through developmental milestones, so do mommies. The following is a comprehensive list of the Standard Mommy Milestones through age 2.

2 weeks –

When a mommy has hit the Functioning Zombie milestone, she has achieved the ability to appear and function totally normal in a half awake/half asleep stage. The mommy can perform basic tasks but months from now she will have no memory of these tasks. This milestone is usually brought on by around 2 weeks of little to no sleep. The shuffling foot movements and drooling is usually a good sign that the milestone has been achieved.

4 months –

Mommy seems to be a bit more rested and at peace with being a mommy. The child the mommy is attending is now social but not mobile, giving mommy a break before the next round of chaos hits. Mommy is this milestone appears to be very happy and may even laughingly talk about another baby, since this “Mommy Business” is so easy.

8 months –

Mommy is probably back to the Zombie movements and has a pamphlet in her purse about birth control. Baby is now putting mommy through the mill with being both mobile and probably beginning to teeth around this time. Mommy is constantly “throat sweeping” the baby, putting cords up high, searching the carpet for pennies, applying Ora-Gel to baby, yanking on her waistband of the pants the baby keeps pulling down and feeling nauseated from the strained pea casserole that she tried before she was going to feed it to the baby.

1 year –

Mommy is past the Zombie movements, but is now caring for a walker/talker. Mommy may have developed an eye twitch and a jumpy nervous condition that comes from hearing “babababababa gagagagagagag” for at least 5 hours straight at any time. She has also perfected the baseball “sliding in the home” movement for catching a toddling child before it falls and pulls over the china cabinet. During this milestone, mommy is sharp and always on her toes. She is ready to move in a moments notice.

2 years –

Mommy can be identified by pulled out hair, gritted teeth and a look that says “I dare you to say anything” These are the moms who are accompanied to all retail areas by a tiny being that is screaming “NOOOOO” and rolling around on the floor. Moms in this milestone appear to have lost all sense of humor and sanity. During this milestone it is very important to never tell the Mommy that it will eventually get better. After a screaming fit about which shoes to wear, what shirt is OK and that they can’t have chocolate and marshmallows on their PBJ sandwhich; mommy is not going to believe you that it will ever get better.

What milestones do you feel all moms go through during these years or the next years?

Categories: developmental milestones, humor, mothering

8 replies

  1. So right on! I am at the two year milestone and fit every single description LOL.. very hard to see a light at the end of the tunnel right now

  2. Ha – Last night we had family pictures with our 2 year old that was just down right not cooperative…your 2 year old description made me laugh at my own craziness right now. Thanks!

  3. Too cute! It's weird, I was actually doing something similar on my blog but never got around to it. I guess great minds think alike. Your list is definitely more comprehensive, as mine would have only made it up to 6 months (which is my daughter's age). -Jessica

  4. Oh yes. I've hit all of these three times now. Once with the 4yr old which was apparently just training for the twins. Who have thankfully, I think, turned two and become somewhat more reasonable human beings! So cute!

  5. We're currently in the 4 year old “I don't have to listen to you” “I can do whatever I want” and “I will argue with you about EVERYTHING just to prove that I'm right” stage. Fun times! I can feel my hair turning gray. πŸ™‚

  6. I'm in the middle if the 2 year stage. Complete with random tantrums of throwing himself to the floor in andit of drama. It's fantastic. *sign*

  7. Can I get an AMEN!! I have long ago reached the 2 year old mommy milestone…and it feels like I'll never reach the next one!

  8. Hahaha! So true. I always say that you aren't a mom until you hit the milestones/rites of passage of locking a child in the car, being pooped on, being puked on (exorcist type puke), smelling something nasty even though you know beforehand that it will smell nasty and enduring that first of many public meltdowns. πŸ˜‰

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