Things “What To Expect” Didn’t Teach me

I have heard tales of pregnant women everywhere settling in for another sleepless night with their bowl of peanut butter ice cream, Cheese Whiz and their new copy of “What To Expect When You Are Expecting”. I believe the purchase of this book is almost a requirement when a new baby is on the way. It’s a book filled with tons of information about all aspects of pregnancy, labor, delivery, postpartum care and newborn baby stuff. At times the information is a little too much and parts of the book can be downright scary. You add your knowledge from that along with what Google can teach you and you shall spend 9 months in paralyzing fear of a twitch that doesn’t seem normal and you decided to look it up.

I assume because of the sale of this book was so popular, they have put out others covering infant/child issues. Once again, don’t look up a bump on a child’s arm and try to diagnose it using the book or Google. Your brain has enough to do without freaking out over a misdiagnosed mosquito bite. There is a book that needs to be written, as some things weren’t covered.

Things To Expect When You Were Least Expecting

Chapters in this book will cover the following topics:

  1. Ghostly kid cries. This is when you are working around the house or sleeping and you swear you heard your baby cry. There is no TV or radio on, but you distinctly heard a baby cry. It’s possible that it is a possessed doll somewhere in your house that you haven’t allowed your child to take in the bathtub to short it out yet, but it happens in doll-less houses as well.
  2. Missing table spoons. This is a common complaint from moms of every age, location and every other demographic. It’s not unique; you are not alone. Table spoons will disappear in the house of the young child. About every 3 months you will need to purchase new flatware. Good thing is you can now just purchase the spoons you need separately. Even the flatware departments understand this phenomenon. Don’t bother trying to look for them. Trust me as someone who has bought no less than 15 sets of spares in the past 4 years, they are gone. Nothing to recover. (This phenomenon also affects baby/toddler socks. Random disappearances)
  3. Parental speech patterns. Once you become a parent your speech changes. This is difficult to rid yourself of and quite annoying at those dinner parties that your husband has made you attend or any other social event for adults only. You will find yourself announcing your every move out loud and speaking in third party. “Mommy is going to the drink station”, “Mommy zipped her dress all by herself” “Mommy will be nice and not yell at that nice man that daddy works with” “Mommy knows you are always nice to others and you never push or bite”
  4. Forgetting the names of those who matter. This is especially true if you have more than one child. You won’t remember anyone’s name that you meet, but you can list off every character in Yo Gabba Gabba, Thomas the Train or Dora. If you have more than one child, you have a tendency to say everyone’s name in the house (including pets) as fast as you can until the child you are talking to recognizes their name and responds.
  5. Kids are weird. No matter how smart Suzy is or how well behaved Johnny is; you can bet your buttons that there are times that they are just plain weird. It’s those moments that you cock your head like a dog with a silent whistle and just observe the weirdness. You will self talk about “Is this normal?” You will probably google it and hopefully it led you here to my blog. No doubt about it, kids do some really messed up stuff. It’s all part of learning, exploring and entertaining us (which is why we have kids anyways, right?)

What were you not expecting?

Categories: children, humor writing, parenting, what to expect

20 replies

  1. I was NOT expecting my 2 month old to get an attitude and refuse to look at me for an hour after I picked him up from the babysitter the first day that I went back to work. 2 month old babies should not have the capacity to think, “You left me and I don't want anything to do with you!” I should have named him Stewie Griffin!

  2. I was moving the booster seat off the chair for my strong willed 2 year old this morning because she insisted on eating on the chair without the booster (whatever…I chose to let her win on that one)…and found a SPOON under the booster! One more spoon to return to the drawer.

  3. OMG!!!It's truly amazing how true these things are! As a matter of fact I hear those ghost cries often…. I swear the baby is awake!My guess… the ghost child is the one taking the silver wear and socks!

  4. The ghost cry cracked me up. My daughter had nightmares one summer, and after she went back to her Dad's house, I would still wake up, swearing that I'd heard her crying.I didn't expect that those little gummy smiles would be so absolutely charming, that you'd forget to be frustrated at her waking you up at 3am…again.I didn't expect how much it would ache when they cry and you don't know what's wrong. Because those books tell you everything that could ever possibly be wrong, right?

  5. LOL #4… around here we call it “The Litany of the Names”. When I'm particularly flustered, the dog is included with the 6 kids names! And yes, the two who no longer live at home still get called in the litany.I didn't expect they'd grow up so fast! Really. No. *Really!* That little 9lb bundle, the firstborn, is already tickling and playing “airplane” with his own firstborn. How did it happen that fast?I too bought that book. Fortunately, I tossed it in the trash, never to be seen in this house again!

  6. You forget the phantom smells. I'll be sitting in the office sometimes, deep into work, and then I SMELL IT and start looking around for a boy gone doo-doo.And nope, it's just me.Before you blame me for the offending smells, I can assure you a)it's not the case and b) no adult can replicate the Diaper Stench of Death. So there.

  7. Ha!! “Diaper Stench of Death”! heh heh.I bought that book too and studied like no one's business. You are right! It does not prepare for *your* journey-because no two kids are alike! #4 had me cracking up! It only get's worse as you get older- my grandpa was forever saying “hey you!” Thanks for making me laugh, AGAIN! 🙂

  8. This is too funny! I'm writing a book something along the lines of this and you nailed these points. Being a mother of seven I've seen too much lol.

  9. I am so glad to see that I am not the only one discovering these weird little facts about motherhood, especially the missing spoons and the ghost cries. Thanks so much for sharing.

  10. Oh yes. OH YES! That is the dadgum truth! I ALWAYS go through at least 3 names before I fall upon the right one!And Dr. Google? Isn't he just a Negative Nellie? Always pointing us in the direction of doom and gloom? Damn him.

  11. #4 totally rings a bell with me!!! Also, something I was not expecting was the ability to talk about poop and pee with ANYONE at ANYTIME! Since childbirth, the entire thought of personal boundries is completely out the window. My husband burped out loud the other day, and I said, “good boy.” Seriously.

  12. It takes a mother to write one covering these experiences! You hit the nails right on their heads.Haupi

  13. All so true. You should write a book of your own! This list could go on forever!

  14. Love this list! One thing to add: Once you have one child, you will soon have many. You will have the neighbor kid who is always eating PB&J at your kitchen table and the one who rides along in the carpool every morning and the study buddy you meet once a week at the library and the scouts you count all as your own and eventually the boyfriends and girlfriends and college roomies and husbands and wives. They all become yours the minute your kid meets them. At least they did for me. (well not the roomies, hubbies and wifies yet. But they're coming someday)

  15. I wholeheartedly agree with all points. Too funny! And yes, that book scared the heck outta me the first time through.

  16. I wholeheartedly agree with all points. Too funny! And yes, that book scared the heck outta me the first time through.

  17. Oh! I thought the spoon thing only happened at my house. What a relief! You are spot on – well done.

  18. I go through the list of names too. I think if you have a large family that is a must. What was I least expecting? That is a tough one, I guess, I don't really know. My kids do different things every day. There is always something new going on in our crazy house.

  19. The phantom cry – I hear it when I dry my hair. And any time I'm doing something I shouldn't (eating junk, watching TV instead of cleaning up, etc.), I hear baby cries. CREEPY.I laughed and nodded in agreement at every point you made. Hilarious.From one spoonless mom to another, very funny post.

  20. I am so number three. It's bad. Really bad. I was least expecting to be annoyed. By my own child. Just doesn't seem right. But it's true.

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