The following is the itinerary for the last month of pregnancy bed time routine.
8pm – Put children in bathtub. Realize that you can no longer bend over to wash them properly. Hope your lessons on washing your face, tummy and butt have paid off. Sniff test them. Approve. Send to bed.
9pm – Still wrestling the youngest to bed. Try to read a bed time story one last time. Child upset because there is no lap to sit in. You and child sit and cry together. Child finally goes to sleep.
10pm – Run nice bath of warm water. Settle self in water only to realize that the water displacement of you getting in the tub has caused the tub to overflow and now your thighs touch both sides of the tub. Cry again.
10:30pm – Still trying to figure out how to haul yourself out of the bathtub. Cry some more.
11pm – Lower self in bed. Strange parts begin to move around inside of you. Try to hurry and go to sleep.
11:30pm – There is now an elbow in your ribs, flip to other side.
11:35pm – Get up to pee.
11:50pm – Get up to pee.
12:00am – Gather all pillows and attempt to make a nest that will cradle your body.
12:05am – Finally comfortable.
12:06am – Get up to pee.
1:00am – Get up to pee and realize you need a snack.
1:05am – Crying spell because someone used the last of the whipped cream.
1:15am – Settle on pickles dipped in pimento cheese. This is why pregnant women get a bad rap.
1:30am – Search desperately for the Tums.
1:45am – Lay back in your nest only to discover the baby has moved to the other side and now you have a lump you are laying on.
1:46am – Wonder if you could actually harm the baby by sleeping on that side.
1:50am – Roll to other side and drop nest pillows in floor. Realize you can’t just lean over and pick them up.
2:00am – Comfortably resting in pillow nest on floor.
3am – Get up to pee.
3:30am – Get up to pee.
4:00am – Get up to pee.
5:00am – Yup, you guessed it.
6:00am – Give up and get up for the day.
It’s going to be a long day today!