Febuary 6, 2007

I have a cute, toddling bucket of dripping snot for a daughter. I never thought I could be around something this disgusting and try to hold it as close to me as possible. We now never truly seperate, we are held together by strands of goo. I don’t know where it all comes from! I think she has been storing the stuff for months and she finally just overflowed. The most irritating part of it is just last week she had some “bats in her cave” and I taught her how to blow into a Kleenex. This week, when it matters, she has forgotten the Kleenex part. Hmmm…nice. I got her some well advertised, stop-the-drippy-nose-and-feel-better,cause-I-am-a-good-mommy medicine. It seems to dry it up somewhat to the point it has made a small dam of concrete snot at the entrance of the nostril. This of course leads to frustration when breathing, so I try to clear it for her. From her reaction she is very attached to the cling-on and it shall not be removed under penalty of death. The other great reaction to this wonder drug is the drunken circus performer who now inhabits her body. It causes her to desire to scale impossible heights with no coordination to be seen, lose her grip and stand up swaying back and forth with a super cheesy grin waiting for applause.

Speaking of drunken circus performers, there is apparently a family of them that travel in groups. I feel one of those annoying mimes inside my own flesh. I had to have some dental work done today and was given every drug known to the dental community. I feel like I am in slow motion, after I finish typing this I will go attempt to “walk in the wind” I am sure my loopy daughter will join me, following behind, walking slowly with knees pulled up looking much like a performing horse. Maybe if I can find some white face paint we can take this act on the road.

As I was leaving the dental office, they waited until the moment I was leaving, still giggling from the laughing gas and tingling of Novacaine, to hand me my bill. As one side of my face was totally numb, I smiled in my best Elvis impression and loudly lisped that this was $100 more than what I was quoted. This apparently was for the laughing gas that they waited to offer me until the dentist had four pairs of hands in my mouth, a knee on my chest and a full-sized jack hammer in my mouth. “Yes”, I quickly nodded, “I will take more pain medication” What a wonderful trick to play on a patient. I informed them, since what I said after the fact didn’t matter, that when I agreed to the medication, I was under stress, and as I am writing this check out I am signing an official document under pain medication. When I get home if I decide the pain is too great, I may just cancel this check as I can not be held legally responsible under the circumstances. Ms. I-enjoy-taking-your-money-and-seeing-you-in-pain gave me a dirty look and with a stroke of her pen took 5mg away from my pain pill prescription, then asked if I still felt witty. I stabbed my name onto the check and snatched the prescription away from her before she could inflict anymore on me.

So now I sit here with my daughter, both of us mezmerized by the blinking cursor and wonder if she would enjoy a bowl of ice cream as much as I would. I think when I can get her off the bookcase where she is slowly twirling her umbrella, while teetering on the edge I will give her an extra scoop and hand her some Kleenex before she gives me some unwanted toppings from the impending sneeze.

Categories: Uncategorized

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